I'll Wait Forever
by Gena
Summary: A story about Gohan and the longing for his new fiancé, Videl. Please read and review and tell me how it is, if you have any questions, comments or concerns. Chapter 7 is done! But, 7's NOT the last chapter. :D
1. Splitting beneath the surface

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There's this kid in the candy store: he wants the chocolate bar there. It's the most delicious kind of candy in the entire department. All he wants is the chocolate. He lives to taste the chocolate bar, he lives to just feel that chocolate slowly melt into his mouth; it would make his entire life... His life. The candy is so close; he wants it, he really wants it, but unfortunately, it's the candy that's too expensive, his mom says. So near, yet, so far away. Still, he has failed to understand why he can't obtain this prize...

This kid is not selfish.

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It's Tuesday night, February 27th. The brisk, cold winter's night air envelops everything around it, forcing everyone to feel the effects of the blazing snow and keeping them all aware that season is still, far from over. But, my problem goes deeper than the weather patterns. This problem has gradually graced the surface of my heart, from a small thought, manifesting itself into a hidden passion all its own.

My name is Son Gohan; I am 22 years old. Videl, my fiancé, has grown into an impeccable, beautiful work of art. It's been two years since we've been engaged (and I still don't know how the hell I managed to gather up enough courage to ask her to marry me), plus, three months since we've bought a house together. (See, we could've gotten a house right away, but me, being the responsible person that I am, told Videl to let me take care of it.) Even though it's been three months since we've been lived together, can you believe it's only been four days since we've been sleeping together? No, no… I don't mean 'sleeping together', involving sex, I mean 'sleeping together' as in us sharing the same bed. Me, holding Videl in my arms, while drifting off into the content of our minds….is pure bliss.

But, how is it that I can hold this woman in my arms… this amazingly fantastic woman… without feeling so helpless… that I want to give in to that hidden passion… to give in to all my feelings and senses… To make love to this woman like I've always wanted to all of these years. As I fell in love with her more, the more that daring idea had begun to take over my mind.

Videl… you've casted a spell on me… I love you so much I can't stand it. I just want to kiss you all over… to enter that sacred temple that my mind and body has ached and longed for so long. Even though we promised to calmly await till the day we were wed to give in to this dark reward… to this nightly demon… I don't know how much longer I can keep this up. "Calmly awaiting" hasn't worked for me. It's only made me want you more. That fire inside my heart is raging so out of control that you can almost see it burning within my soul.

Videl, help me please. I'm almost begging you. Help me relieve this pain. How can I keep this blazing, hidden passion under control?

"Gohan, would you turn that T.V. off?" she interrupted me, glancing off to the side. "How are we ever going to get any sleep with that static on all night?"

"Aie… sorry, Videl…" I replied, smiling humbly, turning the T.V. off. She smiled back at me and began to walk towards the bed that I was already sat in.

"I don't know. I've just been tired all day… But, when it comes time to rest, it seems I can never fall asleep, you know?"

"Yeah, exactly…" I prompted my head on my hand, and continued to stare at her as she finished removing the rest of her outer clothes. She slowly stripped off her sweater like she knew I was watching. Like, she knew that I wanted her so badly and she just wanted to torture me. It was going to be another hard night of forcing myself to wait. By the time I'd snapped out of my state, she had already finished and was looking at me now. Maybe she caught me watching her…

"Son Gohan, what are you gazing at me like that for?" she asked.

"What… I can't lovingly stare at my fiancé while she's preparing for bed?" I questioned her with a small grin. She started to look sternly at me with a sort of annoyed look on her face.

"Idiot," she responded, hardly audible, while tossing the balled-up sweater in my face.

"Hey…" I told her, pretending to be upset. She only chuckled lightly.

"Go to sleep, Gohan-kun." Were her last words of the hour.

Forty-five minutes later… And, I was holding my fiancé in my arms once again. Through the night, she had found her way on top of me, parading her way in between my legs where the passion had worsened the most. I tried to moderate my breathing, hoping she wouldn't notice how badly I had to try to keep myself from pinning her down right there. I was struggling to just keep that up. So in retreat, I forced my hands down from Videl's tummy where they lay, to my sides. I couldn't stand it. I had to keep myself from getting too exited over this. Am I just a monster? A perverted monster?

"Ngh… Gohan…" Videl moaned, waking up from her sleep. Hearing her cry out for me just then made it worse. I don't know what she did, whether it was in her voice, or something else, that made it so enticing to me.

"Y-yes, Videl…?" I stammered.

"Keep them there…" she replied, holding my hands and guiding them back up on her stomach where they lay before…

"Aie…" …Is she trying to kill me?

I started to go uneasy with my breathing once again. This time I couldn't control it as much as I though I could. I felt my manhood slowly piercing up from my underwear and meeting my fiancé's bottom. No… not now. Why now? …Videl although I love you so much and no matter how much I, myself want to wait for you… my body is just trying so hard to violate these rules. It wants you just as viciously as I want you. I hugged her closer to me, well aware that she probably felt my member as it continued to graze across her lower body. I'm sorry, Videl.

My heart began pounding faster, as I tried not to think about this predicament and this passion. I knew there were no way I could forget about Videl… but maybe I could just block out the demons that were making me think of all these erotic fantasies, that were pushing me to lose it all in front of my fiancé… I closed my eyes and tried to get rid of this damn demon that had taken over me these past 4 years. I held my breath in for as long as I could, and then gradually released it out again.

I knew Videl was aware of my sudden breathing pattern, and I could tell that she knew something was stirring within me.

She brought up the question, "Gohan, you need to relax… I'm not making you this nervous, am I?"

"Ha ha ha… sorry…" I tried to lightly laugh off. This was distressing me; I mean it, this was seriously distressing me. This isn't working, Videl. The more I try to forget it, the more it consumes me. I know I should tell you about this, about what I've been feeling. It wouldn't be fair to you any other way. Or… maybe I'm just selfish. Maybe I'm selfish to think of these things and confessing to her. Like, professing my love for her will solve all our problems. What about how she will be feeling? Like revealing my hidden eroticisms, will satisfy myself, but what new emotions would that bring forth in Videl?

No, that can't be it. She knows that I only want the best for her. Would telling her that I've wanted to make love with her (since forever, it feels like) really be an awkward thing to do? Even though we've promised to wait, I am still her fiancé. And, just look at the position I am in… a gorgeous woman that I love, lying on top of me; how could I not want to just spin her around and kiss every inch of her body? If only you'd let me, Videl. To just think about touching and tasting your bare skin is so tempting to me. I just want to enjoy every moment of you, slowly licking you, wherever you tell me to. Or, if you want it, let me be in control. I'll give you the most sensational night of your life. To feel your passion; hear that heavenly voice call out my name; and seeing that look on your face, knowing that I've satisfied you, will definitely be my heaven on Earth.

I could be so much more to you. I could do so much more for you. Just give me the chance.

By now, I had been thinking of her so much, that it had gotten really difficult to attempt to suppress my secret desires, and maintain my somewhat calm demeanor. My entire body became uncomfortable then, sustaining that partial erection for so long. But… although this situation was causing me such pain, although it seemed to hurt so much, somehow it felt … great … enticingly great.

My breath had gone completely out of control now. I was panting and huffing like I had just ran the distance from the Earth to the moon. But, this breathing wasn't caused by fatigue … but in intense, severe longing. She was right there for me, but I couldn't have her…

By this time, I knew Videl had known something was wrong with me. I could feel her heart beating faster from inside her tummy. I finally decided that I was going to tell her.

"Videl…" I softly spoke, "I need to tell you something." I finally said, taking a breath

between each pause. I tried my best to relax a little as I continued on. "Now, please, don't think of doing anything just because I am talking about it. I want you to make your own decisions about this subject. I just needed to tell you how I felt…"

I begun moving my hands softly, delicately across her stomach as I finally let it out, "Videl… you make me nervous."

She hadn't said a word.

"Videl, These last four years have been wonderful with you, and these past four days have been spectacular. But, Videl… there's no way I can continue to go on like this … without wanting to make love to you as badly as I do." Oh, my God. I said it. I actually said it. "Now I know we promised to each other that we'd wait until we were married next year to do it, but… honestly… I really don't feel as if I can last two more hours…" She still didn't respond; only remained silent as I continued to brush my fingers across her belly. "Being this close to you… and loving you this much…" I spoke, as I then hugged her close to my body," Is making my desire worst, day by day. You make me so happy when I'm with you, Videl, but at the same time… you make my heart ache. Because I know I can't have you."

My breathing started to calm down now. "I just want to caress every spot on your body… kiss your beautiful lips –both sets– and fulfill your every fantasy. I want to love you so badly, Videl… and I don't understand why you just won't allow it. Whether if it's a selfish thought or whether it isn't… it's what I'm feeling. And, I want to know what you've been feeling… I used to want to find out how I could control myself… but, know I want to know…why won't you let me make love to you, Videl…?"

Why…?

…. After I was finished with my little confession, I wondered what Videl was feeling at the moment. Hopefully, she wasn't completely revolted or disgusted with it. But, I didn't know because she just quietly lied there. I nervously begun to shake, and I felt my heart sink lower into my gut as I awaited her response. What was she going to say? What would her response be?

I wrapped my arms around her waist, as I then heard her answer me…

"Gohan…" she spoke softly. That angelic voice sent shivers down my spine. She leisurely turned her body toward mine, so that we could now be face to face as she told me her words. Slowly inhaling, then exhaling, she continued on… " Gohan…" she said again, "How long has this been going on ... these intense feelings for me...?" Her lips lightly grazed across mine; I could feel her slow, warm breathing combine with mine. She gazed at me so intensively, like she was trying to understand me; like my face had contained the answer she was seeking. She delicately touched the little hairs from the small of my neck; ... I could've sworn being right there, so close, I was about to kiss her... I tried to sit up to get away from her hold and rested on the back of my elbows.

"I-I don't know exactly when it started... But, over the past few months living with you, is when ... it's gotten so fierce..." She used her hands to bring my body back down with hers so I'd be underneath her again. "So fierce, Videl..." I said unsurely, as my breathing commenced to quicken its pace again. Oh, no, not again. You could probably hear my nervous heart pounding loudly from inside my chest. "Videl, I don't feel--"

"Shh..." she replied, "Close your eyes, Gohan-kun." she told me ... and complied I did. I wanted to know what she was up to, but what could I do? I could only now rely on my other senses to know what was going on. She had begun combing through my hair with her fingers as I felt her starting to stare at me again. She had to be. I could still feel her sweet breath against my face, as she released out a big sigh. "Hmm... Gohan..." she resumed, stopping her grooming. "I'm not doing this to torture you..." ...What?

I opened my eyes.

"I'm not doing this because of what our families might think, or what the public might think." ... "It's not that at all..." She continued, "Gohan, don't you remember the reason why we made that promise to each other in the first place? ...To wait until marriage?" I looked at her through those blue eyes. Of course I knew the answer. But, I could tell she wanted to respond to the question herself, so I remained quiet. "It was because we said we wanted to feel ready. So, it wouldn't seem like we were rushing or something; but..." She stroked my cheek with her hand and stared back at me. Trying to ease my tense body, I anxiously took her hand from my face and softly kissed the palm. I didn't know what else I could do; I still didn't say anything. "Well, now, I'm sure that both of us feel like we're more than ready to do it now ... we're both 22, we share a house, we sleep in the same bed together... The only thing we're probably not that comfortable with yet is being completely undressed in front of each other..."

I paused with my kissing. "...Gohan, it's gotten deeper than that ... to just wait until we were ready. We're both ready, probably ready than we'll ever be, but now I want to know if you will wait with me for a different reason." I didn't know where she was getting at with this. "You said yourself that your passion grows each day we're together. I'd wanted to make love to you myself every day, but... just think to wait until next year ... to wait till our longing is so powerful, at the boiling point..." and she grinned. "...That it'll be the most fantastic thing we've ever experienced together, Gohan." ... I could do nothing but stare.

"Don't you see it...? If we wait, Gohan, it'll be so much more, it'll mean so much more to us ... to save it so it'll be more special." But, it would already be so special, Videl... She developed a sincere look on her face now. "...But, Gohan, I want you to understand... I'm all here for you. I'm saving myself only for you, I'm not going anywhere..." She lightly touched the top of my mouth with her fingers, causing my frame to tremble. "So, Gohan...You really don't think you can wait one more year for me...? If not an entire year, then would you try to just wait however long you think you can hold it in? I didn't want to give you an exact date, so you'll be counting down the days or something... I just wanted to save our virginity until our marriage day. Or, at least try to..." She then sat up on top of me, and placed her hands on my chest, extending her arms out. "So, please, would you try to wait for me, Gohan-kun...?" she spoke her last words with a cracked, hopeful half-grin.

I just looked at her, with understanding, but wondering how I was going to complete this rigorous task and wait. I opened my mouth to say something... but nothing came out... What was I going to do? I wanted to wait; I've wanted to wait until Videl felt like she wanted to. I never wanted to rush her in any way. I'm already so scared and terrified of hurting you with my unruly power, and I don't want to risk the chance of hurting you with my actions or feelings either.

I've waited all my life for this woman; all of these 22 years. I'm still not sure yet... how I'm going to control this demon inside of me, but... " Videl..." I said, with a considerable amount of concern in my voice. My hands were shaking, as I elevated my hands to her face. I felt like I wanted to explode; like a volcano on the brink of leaving behind it's core and erupting it's lava all over the Earth's crust. And, Videl, you are my Earth. You are my World. "Videl..." I repeated, stroking her shoulders firmly, yet smoothly. "I'll... I'll wait for you..." I lastly said.

Her face began to beam, and she ran a hand through her shinning, ebony hair. I smiled back, and sat up also, while she folded her legs behind my back. I didn't know what I was saying, or if I even made any sense; all I knew is that I made my Videl happy again. Which is all I ever wanted since forever. I wrapped my arms around her waist again and gave her a close hug. "I don't know how I'm going to do it, being so close to you, now that our relationship's gotten far more serious... but I'll try for you. I'll try my best..." Even though it would be so hard for me-almost unbearably hard- I knew I could do it. I'd have to. "I want to spend the rest of my life with you ...I'd wait forever for you, Videl..."

She took my face into her palms, and simply gazed into my dark eyes. Maybe to see the truth as like before... But, no... Her smile faded.

She kissed me. She kissed my lips and I did the same back to hers. Her mouth slightly opened, enshrouding my judgment for anything else with it. We gently laid back down on the bed, and continued to engorge ourselves in the tastes of each other. Mmm... she smelled unlike any other aroma that's ever hit my nose before. Almost indescribable. Almost overly alluring. Almost. My breathing escalated just as beforehand; but, we abruptly stopped our exchanging passions before we lost our self-control. I laid there, gasping the air for more oxygen, and looked up to her. She reclined her body across mine, and enwrapped her arms around my shoulders as she caught her breath along with me.

"Son Gohan..." she said, holding me closer,"...I can't wait till I'm 'Son Videl'..." And, I smiled back.


	2. What happened the next meeting

Disclaimer: I don't own DBZ or the characters in them; I just like to write stories about them.

Wednesday, March 7th. It's been a week since I've confessed my hidden desires to my fiancé. Although we've been together this long, saying something and admitting something that important with so much on the line, felt like I was confessing my love to her all over again. I didn't know how she was going to react. I had no idea how she would take it. Or to put it in better perspective, it's like crossing a creaking, gargantuan suspension bridge together with your eyes closed, not telling the other person where you were.

But, I had the chance and I took it. Since the moment I had set my eyes upon her I had taken it. Since the day we'd first kissed and forever changed our relationship together, it had been mine to hold in my hands.

Last week, I had held in my hands a chance again. That chance to reveal myself to you; with that chance presenting for us, an irreversible way of life, that would prevent us from ever going back to the way past events had been. Taking that risk, Videl, has been the most rewarding option I had taken so far along my path of time. Of course I'd wait with you, Videl. For us to cross that shaky bridge together, never looking back, never looking down; I am just keeping my eyes fixated on the path ahead of me, yearning for that goal in the end. To hear, smell, touch, taste, and feel that goal in my hands, instead of the hazard, is what I've wanted and needed all this time. Of course, whenever we do decide to ultimately join together in this perfectly, holly unimaginable experience, it'll be a risk of it's own. But, a risk I am actually, openly, willing to take.

So, hold my hand and we'll cross that flimsy bridge together, Videl. But, make sure, would you please, to hold onto me tight, for I don't know how long I'll be able to keep my balance and shift my weight steady... before I fall off and lose it all.

I woke up that next morning while the sounds of nature were still at their rest. Where the sunrise was just at its peak, where the dawning of the light had just awoken the twittering birds to start off their morning chatter. The only sounds I could hear then were the even inhalations of my soon-to-be wife, lying next to me. There she was, in all of her beauty, slowly breathing inwards and out; radiating an individual, distinctive quality, a merit, that could make any man cower on his knees for her love, and a quality that only she could posses.

...And, what an intense dream I had about her that night... I'm surprised I'm not even drenched in my own semen from that experience... I was still catching my breath from that night before. I glanced again over her curved body and examined her figure as I breathed in slowly.

There she was... in all of her smooth, glowing skin, and her tangled, sable hair, she was there. I rested my tired head on my hands, positioned myself sideways, and stared. What outlandish turn of events of fate had led me to lie next to this creature; someone with such a wondrous, glorious soul as hers. I could only thank my Lord above for blessing me with such an amazing destiny. I knew I had been exceptionally lucky to find a love like this, a love like hers. Where am I going with all of this? I really don't know myself; these are just thoughts as I stare at my fiancé. (I swear I'm going to find another name for that.)

Never intent on waking her, I dared not placed a hand upon the girl; although I did admit, she had looked incredibly tempting... "Videl..." I quietly said, "...Videl...?" my voice rose a little, checking to see if she was still swept away in her dream world; and of course, nevertheless, she was.

From her beautiful face, my eyes then began to travel across her weary figure, over certain portions of her body, as I moved in a little closer... I could only imagine what she had been hiding from me underneath those sheets of cloth. I didn't know how Videl thought I could stop myself from thinking of her like this. If not sexually, I'd always thought of her in sensuous ways. She began to shift her body slightly, to get in a more comfortable position... as I got even closer. Exquisite scents began to enter my nostrils as I inhaled deeper, held it, exhaled... and inhaled again. My mouth unconsciously crept agape as I continued to stare... What an extravagant site it was... and this experience... imagining those soft lips kissing me... those lips that would send my heart in a whirlwind of torridness . ...Watching her breasts as they slowly moved up and down associating with her steady breathing; the sections of bare skin displayed from out of the covers; I felt the heat from her thighs as they occasionally skimmed across my own legs... And, I also felt something else... That damn demon inching its way inside of my thoughts again. But, the best thing I could do... the only thing I could do... was to set it free.

But, how could I... without hurting my Videl...?

The frigid winter wind crept into the window, forcing an icy breeze of winter air into the room; that made my soon-to-be shiver in her sleep...she moved around a little and then woke up, with her eyes still held shut. "Gohan..." she groaned, "... close that window..."

"Videl, it is closed... it just has a crack..." I responded, grinning a little, although I did notice some feelings of chagrin to my voice, relating to the house's much needed repairs. She then flitted her eyes open, and looked at me. Maybe she was mad at me for not caring for the cracked window, I thought at first... but she was looking to me for a different reason. Our faces were now only about 6 inches apart from each other, as she held out her gazing on my many semblances.

"Son Gohan... " she spoke, "What are you hiding from me this time..." it sounded more like a statement than a question. I felt my heart getting nervous and sink into my chest again at that moment; I was surprised she knew I was thinking about her...

"A-aie... I was..."I shuddered horribly, "...It's not that important, Videl," She developed a dissatisfied look upon her face as her half-grin faded away. But, that's all I could tell her then. " I have to get ready for work.."... I'd tell her later.  
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My job for college was at Bulma's Capsule Corp. building where I worked as an assistant chemical engineer from 5-9; but since we had a week off from school, I labored there for extra hours, beginning at 7:00 in the morning. Videl said that she'd wanted to meet up with me that afternoon for lunch. Of course I said yes; maybe my conscience would allow me to tell her by then.

So, I just sat there in my chair, occasionally filing papers every so often, letting my mind wander off to more finer envisions in the process. But, my mind was clouded that day by that captivating woman that I had so long desired to claim as my own. Giving her a round piece of metal weren't enough to feel as if I were hers and she was mine; some people just get married to feel that sort of foundation... but not me. I just wanted to spend the rest of my mortal life with her, I just wanted her to know that I loved her unconditionally no matter what. Not that getting married would allow me to feel as if her heart had finally belonged to me; not that getting married would convince my soul that she'd remain faithful to me throughout our life together. You really shouldn't need a sheet of paper to know that... we could've never gotten engaged and still feel as if we subsisted in one spirit.

But, it's just the fact that I can't feel like she's completely mine yet, which aggravates my heart. That I have to wait another damned year until we could finally, truly, wholly feel like we'd belonged to one another. I had discovered my purpose in life... and that purpose was to meet this exuberant lady, this Videl, and ultimately be allowed to conjoin our hearts together. But, I can't even fulfill my meaning in life... I can't even fully express my passions and feelings for this woman... not until another year. A year full of heartache enclosures and denials, physical appetites and emotional depressions, in addition to strawberry kisses and exotic reveries...

Videl, I want to wait for you so badly... I yearn for our experience to feel special to you... For you to savor every waking moment of me inside your sanctified essence, feeling entirety, whole new emotions and senses you've never thought you'd feel in this lifetime... I'd give you pure ecstasy, Videl. I'd give you everything...

Just one more year...

"Gohan..." I heard a hushed voice call in my ear just then. "...Gohan," it went again and shook my shoulder lightly. I guess I had fallen asleep dreaming of how much I'd wanted my fiancé , and had forgotten all about our lunch date that we scheduled. I hazily lifted my head from the comfort and warmth of my folded arms to see the culprit who'd caused my awakening.

Videl...

"Oh... Videl..." I said, blinking a few times to get the sleep out of me, "Hello, darling..."

"Gohan, are you slaking off during the job?" she asked, smiling, while sitting on my lap, leisurely folding her legs around her knee.

"What are you doing here, Videl...?" I questioned, adjusting the glasses on my face correctly.

She began to laugh discreetly, "Do you know how hard it was to persuade Bulma to let me sneak you out for lunch? She said you were their 'most laborious and profit-making' worker, but here you are napping on the desk," she said as-a-matter-of-factly. I could only agree, and grinned.

"I was just thinking about you," I admitted. She looked downwards at me.

"So, when you start to think of me, you fall asleep?" she inquired, jokingly.

I shared my laughter with her a bit, "I didn't mean it like that..." I conveyed. "I mean..." Then, a more somber countenance shadowed over my voice as I looked up to her. "... I was thinking of you..." I said in a sort of heavy tone. I circled my fingers around the front of her tummy as I felt her suddenly suck in the air that capacitated her lungs. She stared at me with such wonder and astonishment, and a hint of uncertainty, like she didn't know what to do next, or where to go next. But, she knew what I meant... Of course she knew what I meant; she had to have known. I was talking about her like this, though, I couldn't retort in any kind of comment towards that myself... I didn't know what to say next either... She turned her body around to face me, and just continued gazing in my eyes. " Videl..." I spoke softly. I heard my heart racing inside my chest again, intensifying, heating whatever lustings I had at that moment, by 120.

"Gohan..." she said back at me, "... Come on, we'll talk about this at lunch..." she suggested, "...Okay...?"

With my eyes half-closed, I looked at her through such compassion... such yearning, that it was such an arduous task just to remove my arms from around her waist. I kept them there for a moment, hesitating, never wanted to let go, until I finally convinced myself that this was the best way. This is what she wanted...

So... I set her free.  
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We had about 5 ½ hours left to enjoy our company together until I had to get back to work that evening. But, this was our afternoon, it belonged to us. So, we withdrew to the comfort of our home and had lunch in the sunroom that led to the patio outside. Here, the abundance and tranquility of nature could be enjoyed and their presence could be enveloped in their true form without the harsh winter weather playing the antagonist. This room where the mood felt so serene and relaxing, that the only thing that could possibly capture my heart more, was if I had Videl by my side...Which I actually did.

And what an amazing thing it was.

We had cleared a place in the room, just for us, on the carpeted floor that would help us to have a more "outdoorish-feeling" for our indoor picnic. It was covered with baby blue blankets and pink flower petals which held the ground for the deliciously selected food decided on top. Crimson seeded cherries and yellow-greenish apples, with simple turkey sandwiches in the center... that contained some extra amount of zing to them; maybe because they were made especial from the heart... from my Videl. Ahh... why did I promise to tell her what I was been thinking about that morning? Although we were trying our best to help each other through this difficult transition, these thoughts had been incredibly taxing on my heart to let it all go. And, to let it all go... to Videl? What was she thinking...?

On, no, I'm doing it again... I'm holding in my feelings for her... I'm locking my aspirations for her in the closet of my heart... which is the problem that I had in the first place dealing with these new emotions... It was not commonplace for me to hide things from Videl, but like I told her before about this ... she made me so nervous. About what she was going to say... about how she would deal with it. But, why should I be...? I know she'll still accept me for who I am. She wouldn't be repulsed by my feelings... Isn't it completely natural to feel this way? She told me herself that she wanted me to tell her anything that had been on my mind... and a week from then, already I am clashing those words.

She laid down and relaxed herself on the blankets, covering her shoulders with it. The heat in our home had just began working again after a selfish break it took the past 3 days.

"...Videl, are you that cold...?" I asked her, scooting myself over to her position. She shrugged her shoulders slightly and shifted her vision to the sandwiches on the napkins. I saw her small hands begin to shiver as she tried to reach over to grasp one of them. "Aie, I'll get it for you..." I ensured her; they were a little out of her reach. A trace of a smile grazed across her face as a sign of appreciation, but only for a mere second. Her frown returned. I was hoping I hadn't been the cause of this unusual wave of despondency within her... "Videl... what's wrong, honey...?" I finally asked her, nervous than ever. I touched her left cheek lightly with the tips of my fingers, beckoning her, but scared about what the reply might be.

She sat there quietly for a moment without even giving any hint that she'd respond. Until she latterly requested of me..." Gohan..." she spoke, her teeth chattering moderately, "Why don't you want to tell me about what you're thinking?" ...Huh?

"Videl... if you're talking about earlier today..."

"No..." she said, gaining some volume in her voice. "...I'm talking about **all **of the time!" she suddenly yelled, spilling her soda all over the blankets. What? Where did all this anger come from? It caught me by surprise, and I unawarely held my hand to my heart as I then felt it shatter. "You always keep every kind of thought you have of me in secret! You think you always _have _to keep it in secret! Why! Do you think I won't accept you for it? Or, didn't you know that I had said 'yes' to your proposal?" she yelled, huffing heavily. Oh my God... she really... was mad at me... what have I done...?

"V-Videl, I-I was just so nervous, because of what you might say about it... because these types of thoughts are sort of new to my brain, and not being able to make love to you, I don't even know how to deal with it sometimes!" I tried to get her to consider.

"And, so you think you're the only fiancé on this Earth who dreams up of these fantasies?" she resumed bellowing at me. "What are you so embarrassed about, Son Gohan! Why can't you tell me?"

My heart began beating out of control as I continued exploding out all of my feelings for her. "Some of these visions I have about you are just so stained... savage...and corrupted, t-that I just don't know how to bring it to you sometimes..."

"Well, hiding it won't solve anything!"

"It's not that important, Videl; could we just drop it; I'll tell you about it later, okay?"

"There you go, trying to get around telling me again! Tell me what you're so afraid of!" She furiously yelled back. "You want me, Son Gohan, but now you're so scared to even talk to me about it! If you want me, let me know. I can help you **deal **with it!" she tried to reason. She developed a look of hurt in her eyes, trying to stare into mine.

Yes, of course I want you, Videl. That's my whole point! You don't want me to make love to you until we're married, and I'm trying to not think about it; during the periods when I hold you in my arms, during the times when I kiss your lips, and during any other given time in the day, I try my hardest still. But, it's no use. No matter what I do, no matter how much I try to strangle it down, my feelings and arousals for you are still living their lives freely, as viciously as wildfires. ...And as bloodthirsty. It has no direction, you couldn't tell where or what it was going to consume next; all you knew that if someone were to let it come out of control for even just a second, that it would eradicate everything in its path.

I hadn't given Videl an answer to her query all that time. I had just looked down to the floor, thinking of what I should say next. But, she had begun to grow impatient with me. Her look of hurt and compassion were quickly replaced with indignation and frustration. She took in a deep breath and let it out slowly. Then... tromped her way out of the room, dragging the sheets along behind her. I could only stare at her shadow as I saw it disappear around the corner. ...And, closed my eyes, I did, and held my head in my hands.

What had I done...? I had ruined our lunch. I ruined our conversation. Hopefully, I hadn't ruined our relationship...

The doused turkey sandwiches could only continue to soak, adhering from the sidelines.  
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	3. And into the shadows once again

Disclaimer: I don't own DBZ or the characters in them; I just like to write stories about them.

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I felt horrible that entire night. When I got back from work that evening, Videl was nowhere to be found. I felt awful yelling with her and hurting her like that; this is what was causing my depression… all because I just didn't tell her the truth about what I was feeling. I hated this, I hated being the cause of Videl's anguish. But, how was I going to tell her about my dreams now, about what I had been so afraid of…? The most selfish thing for me to do then was to think of myself; I had a fiancé upstairs to worry about (as if I wasn't already worried enough about her).

I didn't even feel like eating that day, because I'd felt so bad… So, I just gathered up my things and headed for the stairs. I felt too oppressed to get in the shower, so I'd just brush my teeth and go to bed… maybe then, I'd forget about what dreadful events had occurred that afternoon. I loved her so much… I loved her with all my heart… There wasn't any tiny bit contained inside my soul that had ever wanted to inflict any sort of pain or damage to her. All I could ask myself was… what had I done? I couldn't believe what I had done… Such simple, foolish, natural desires had been my ruin of the day; not because I were having them… but just because I felt like I shouldn't tell Videl about this… She knew that I trusted her, it wasn't that.

Actually, now that I think about it... this has been the problem all throughout my life... never letting things out. ... It seemed that it'd be so much more simple if I kept it in, and unknowingly so, I went along with that precept. But, what had really happened was just the antithesis; it had been the hardest thing in my life to carry out. But, after what'd happened just now, there was no possible way I could've told her about it. I had been too embarrassed. My heart was aching and hurting so bad now, and I felt it loudly pound from inside my chest, walking closer to the stairs... then, I paused. ...How could I possibly face her now, knowing that she was so angry with me? I held in my breath, and continued my trial up the stairs. Into the connecting bathroom, I immediately went, to brush my teeth and to hopefully avoid the woman in the other room...at least for a little while. I needed more time to think about this.

As I lathered my mouth with toothpaste, I could only think about how I hurt her... why was I being so idiotic and unyielding ? So selfish, I had considered myself to be, since I decided to keep my thoughts for myself, letting me have the easier way out, keeping my fears in secret, but forcing Videl to suffer for it... I hated myself for it. I... actually hated myself. I rinsed my mouth out, and masked my face with my hands. Why...This woman... my Videl... I only wanted the best for her as I said before, I only wanted to make her happy. But, already in those four years, compared to the rest of our lives we're supposedly suspected to live together, I've already made her revulsion for me more than it would probably ever be. Just because of this self-centered decision I had made... Why couldn't I just tell her about it? What was wrong with me...?

I couldn't believe what had been happening... I'm not talking about not just telling her... I mean, that was Videl thinking? If I were her, I would've left myself for being so weak... so pitiful... Stupid Son Gohan, afraid to tell his fiancé of some nonsensical fantasy, some stupid, fucking fantasy that everyone deals with. But, this poor pathetic soul, this idiot, Son Gohan, is the only one who's having a problem with expressing his feelings about it... and to whom! His own fiancé! Not only his fiancé, but she was also his best friend, and maybe his soon-to-be lover. Why was she still with me...? Videl... with your unbelievable quintessence, compared to the worthless, weak core myself occupies ... how did I deserve her; how did I deserve to lie next to her... what had I ever done... ? I felt hot tears beginning to escape from beneath my eyelids. I looked to the mirror, touching it as a precaution to assure myself that it had really been me there in that reflection.

...I was crying.

And, pitiable, still. Embarrassed to walk back into his own room, just because he thinks she might catch a glance at him. And, now blubbering like an idiot, like a stupid little child, he was crying about this. Too many things had all been his fault in the past... if only he had been a little bit stronger... just a little bit more expressive with his feelings. Even his own father dying because of him. Too scared to do anything... to scared to show his true self. Everyone thinks he is so happy on the outside, but when something so dumb, something so minuet like this happens, is when his true feelings show to the world... but, not the entire world as you may think; only his psyche had been his company. The mentality that held the knowledge of the world inside... but not any of the answers he had been so desperately looking for.

And, I still wept.

Hearing footsteps from outside the door, and hearing that wonderful girl's voice didn't stop the sobbing either. Videl knocked on the door, and asked a question. "Gohan, can you open the door, I need to go use the bathroom...!" she beckoned me, turning the door knob. Remembering that I hadn't locked the door, I rushed over and slammed the door closed again before she saw me.

"I-Iie, Vi-videl... I'm almost done, okay? I-ah... I'm sorry..." I stuttered violently , desperately trying to cover up my shaky voice, full proof that I had been crying. I wiped the salty water from out of my red eyes with my shirt, and tried to gather up some tissues.

"...What?" she wondered out loud. " ...Gohan, what's wrong?" she asked, placing a hand on the door. She just stood there for a few moments, taking in my horrible-sounding articulations. "...Gohan, your voice sounds terrible..." she resumed, "Is something the matter...?" She at least sounded concerned..

"Ah, n-no... I probably have a cold or something. I-I'm sorry... just a minute, okay?"

"Gohan, open the door..." she directed, trying the knob again. "Gohan!" she yelled at me, "Open the door!" she struggled. But, it didn't matter how hard she tried, she wasn't going to get in if I were here."I told you, I-I'm almost done- -"I restated, leaning against the door."Gohan, something's wrong with you! Open the door!" she called again, banging on the wooden face.

"Nothing's wrong, Videl!" I bellowed through the door.

"Then, open it!" she commanded loudly. So, I did what she demanded. She stood there, glaring at my face, as I tried to not keep too much eye contact with her. I grinned a little, brushed past her, and headed for the bed.

"See... I told you nothing's wrong, Videl..." I retorted, opening up the covers. She could only continue to stare at me, in disbelief that everything was fine with me. Especially, since when she saw the used up tissues as she glanced back to the bathroom floor.  
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It was 2:13 a.m. now. Ever since I had gotten home, I hadn't gained an ounce of sleep; I was too scared to dream about Videl again... But, I'd have to fall asleep sometime... I just wanted to forget our argument ever happened. ...Or at least to resolve it. I wanted her to understand me, but what could I do...? I was too ashamed and embarrassed to confess the creations of my imagination with her... and I didn't want to weigh her down with my feelings all at once... so what else was there to do? I had just lied there, for 4 hours straight, thinking about what I could do to transform Videl's despondency to happiness once again.

First it was about how I could control my passions, then it was about why I couldn't make love to Videl... and now it's this: What could I do to make her happy ...? 

Or, maybe that had been the case all along.

I glanced over my right shoulder at my sleeping Videl. I'm a little startled at the fact that she still decided to sleep with me after what we'd been through. She was turned slightly to her side at that moment, and with the moonlight gleaming its glowing rays across her body, she seemed more heavenly than ever. I swiftly turned my neck back around, for fear that if had gazed at her any longer, that pessimistic demon would've crept its way back into my life again. Even though it was still plainly obvious that I still had these perversions in my thoughts, at least I had known of ways to control them more nicely. All I ever wanted to do was to please her... in all of the many ways I could think of. But, with this box I was shut in, there was no way out of my situation. I wanted to love Videl more than I could ever imagine, I wanted to hold her in my arms and finally know that she was entirely mine, I just wanted to be with her forever... until our eternity was decided as the end. But, there was no way I could ever hope of fulfilling my destiny with her if I wasn't even ready to talk with her and share with her my erotic reveries. I'd have to overcome this faceless fear that has jumped in front of me and my Videl's perfect ecstacy.  
...What was I so afraid of exactly...?  
I looked over to her once more, and continued staring at the virtue embodying itself inside my fiancé's cast. I gaped at her face, as if I were seeing through her soul, to remember every detail of her beauty, every little corner of her mouth, every little wrinkle, and every little piece of skin, like I were painting a picture in my head of her; to carry with me a perfect image of her face, and to satisfy my hunger for her luscious taste. And, I'd just remembered something unearthly that'd happened... I hadn't even kissed Videl that whole day...  
How could I have done that...?

...Without saying a speakable word, I gently shook my soon-to-be, trying to awaken her. I really had no desire to take her out of her dreamworld... but, I wanted to do this before I...

I heard her sigh first, and she took her good time opening up her eyes, and just looked at me, kind of annoyed... I guess because I had woken her. Before finally speaking, I had relaxed completely on my right side to face her. I swallowed nervously, knowing that my hands had been shaking.

"V-videl..." I begun, "..." and never finished. She looked at me a little confused, probably wondering what the hell I was trying to say. I even really didn't know what the hell I was trying to say... so I just continued staring at her after calling her name. I had a goal in mind, but I were just befuddled on how to accomplish it... Like traveling through a maze without owning a map; even though the map had oftentimes been confusing, at least it had given you, even if it was small, a sense of direction. She just paused. ...And stared.

"...What, Gohan?" she ultimately questioned me. As I lied there, shaking like mad, I carried my hands up to her face, resting them on her soft cheeks; also catching her by surprise while she watched me bringing them up to her. I felt her shiver a little under them... probably meaning that she was nervous, too... I saw her lips separate slightly into two as she breathed in.

My mind unknowingly mouthed out her name. At that moment, my heart rate climbed as I thought about which road I should take this decision. I thought about just giving her a good-night smile and saying it 'twere nothing... I thought about telling her my rigid, sanguinary, barbaric fantasies... And, I thought about taking her clothes off, slowly revealing to me what she had held most precious... I'd thought about touching her body all over, the places I'd never thought she would allot my treading... I thought about entering and feeding into her soul, sending her into such fierce raptures beyond this plain; making her body tingle with such passion and satisfaction... I thought about how much I wished to appease her so much; meeting her every desire, indulging on her many offers. All I thought about was how all I wanted was to tenderly hold her in my arms and make love to her all through the night. And, I wouldn't abruptly discontinue, unless she'd tell me that she possibly couldn't accept any more. I wanted to give her everything... everything I had and owned... If only she'd let me.

"Videl..." my mouth silently called her again, closing my eyes. She watched me as I neared in closer to her range. A few strands of her ebony, gleaming hair fell across her face...And, as desperate act to lull myself of these thoughts... I kissed her lips. Softly , smoothly, surprisingly... she widened her eyes and watched me the whole time as I continued.  
I felt my heart dancing inside and around my chest, like it was about to spring up from my throat; I couldn't even feel myself able to speak at that moment. I really didn't want to. But, this kiss was different somehow in my delivery...it felt unlike any other feeling ever felt before. Her gaze pierced into my spirit as I endured kissing her; I only looked to her once, and looking down, I robbed my attention away from her face... I slowly and delicately licked her bottom lip with the range of my tongue, making sure I'd captured the profound way she felt against my mouth, while she took control of me. Her hot, inducing skin felt like fire against my mouth... Then leisurely kissing them, I did again...and sucked on her soft wet lips with such passion (but not too hard), only imagining if her other pair had tasted just this incredible. I couldn't wait till a year, Videl... You send my heart into fanatical amounts of bliss ... I even see tiny bits of Heaven every time you touch me... and, you do it without even trying.

I slowly removed my mouth from her face, savoring her sweet taste upon my lips, and I backed away, staring at her features. She looked astounded with my action, and brought those little, thin fingers to her face. "Gohan..." she said in a hushed inflection, with her face reddening, "...What was that for...?"

"I... I..." trembled that poor, frightened, rueful Saiyan. That accursed kiss hadn't changed anything. I still wanted more of her... But, what did I really expect? "...I-... I'm... sorry. Videl..." That's all my mouth would allow out of my heart.  
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She jumped right on top of me, ripping my clothes off any which way she felt like. And, I let her... I let her undress me till I felt tied by my throat. I pushed her off with such vigor... I wanted her so much, I really didn't care what'd happened then. She fell right onto the bed and sprawled her naked body atop the mattresses. She sporadically licked her lips, and eagerly approached me with her eyes, taunting me with her finger.

"Son Gohan..." she said, in no less a torturing tone of voice, "Why don't you lie here next to me...?" she had asked. Never wanting to waste another second, I dived on top of her, feverishly removing the rest of my clothes before I progressed any further. She watched me as I struggled... softly biting her bottom lip, and holding my head between her chest as I got through. I knew my face had turned red in this pool of passion; it was so hard to breathe... as I raised my neck to see my would-be lover's face. "Gohan..." she requested, whispering harshly into my ear, "I want you to go deep..." I exhaled. I felt a sharp pain, beginning from my upper spine and piercing through to my crotch.

"Ah... Videl..." I could hardly get out a moan, "I promise...I will make you scream for me... I'll go deeper inside..." I replied briskly. "I will taste every bit of you... Make no mistake, Videl... I will give you pleasure that you've never dreamed."  
"Ahh..." she let out, "That's what I was hoping for..." Dammit... Was I dreaming of her again? Of course I were; I had to be. This felt too good to be real. Where I could set out my feelings so freely, without any worries or perchances that something heart-breaking could occur (where I would be the initiator). Here, was where I could let out my crazes and release my perverse fantasies, without the danger that I'd harm my Videl.

"Ohh... Gohan..." she groaned, whether out of pleasure or of pain, "...you're hurting me..." she finished as I saw a tear escape from her eye. But, I couldn't stop myself. I was already too powered and locomoted to quit my passion suite. She clutched onto the sheets in agony, shutting her eyes and mouth tight together...

'What was I doing?' I asked my dream-self. I'd never hurt my Videl...! Especially like that... He had to stop, stop yourself for her! But, of course he didn't listen. He just kept digging in deeper, constraining himself inside more forcefully, despite my pleads. Videl was then crying out in pain for me to stop; it was hurting her so much... she wanted him to continue, but she was being torn between satisfying that sick, son of a bitch, Gohan, over living herself. She wanted to give him everything of hers because she loved him so much... but... no, not like this. I yelled for that dream-self to get off of her, I were riving inside, knowing that I could do nothing about it. No matter how much my mind had ached for myself to quit, my body just wouldn't listen... even in my dreams. "Ngh... Gohan...!" she screamed now, banging her fists against his chest, "I said you're hurting me!" She continued to pound the living shit out of his mid-section, but he was too strong for her... it didn't matter. She had begun full blown crying now and she gave up trying to stop him as her body fell limp to the bed.

About 15 minutes later of this torture, I began to speak again... "Videl..." my dream-self moaned, " I love you..." he said, wiping his lubricated brow, thinking he'd appeased her. He finally removed himself from within her temple and lied down next to her to examine the riven, worn body. Her face was stained with dried tears, and even hardened splotches of blood; she had almost stopped breathing altogether as she weakly turned to her dream-lover with a painful frown. She gave him a anguished look, and coughed up material a few times. It sounded like she was trying to even audit a couple of words from low inside her throat, but... she couldn't get them out. She only exhaled at least twice... but only inhaled once.

Before... I had killed her. I swallowed in disgust, watching my dream-self as he kissed the top of her forehead, like nothing had happened. Hot tears burned across my face as I continued to stare in horror... how could I have gotten so out of control... I blinked slowly... why did I hurt her..? "G... Gohan... " I called myself, letting my head fall down to my chest, "Y-you idiot..." I cried in shame. And, then, screamed to the top of my lungs, "You fucking idiot...!"

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"Videl!" I yelled, as I awoke from that horrible nightmare, looking frantically for my fiance. But, she was there, sitting next to me, and awake in astonishment... for I had exerted my semen all over the mattress. Sudden shock arose in me, and I didn't know which set of emotions to feel first... I was so glad that my Videl had been alive... I just wanted to kiss and hug her soul throughout, but I also was so embarrassed... for my current position I was in now, and for even thinking of having that dream... how dare I do that!

I hated myself so much at that point and I couldn't hold it in any longer; I set my face in my hands and wailed uncontrollably. What was I going to do?

And, what had I done...?


	4. Love and Sex

Disclaimer: I don't own DBZ or the characters in them; I just like to write stories about them.  
Author's note: Finally! ; lol

Wait a minute... I'm sure you've realized what had happened the last time I've tried to speak with you. I thought I had lost my life and everything around it. I thought I had lost everything worth living for. Do you know that feeling that you get when you see a beggar on the street? Pity, right? Or... "he really should've done something with his life?" Instead, he can only endlessly try to evoke this sort of emotion towards you, hoping that maybe, one day, he will finally become an applicant for your pity, to get him through his daily courtships. Well... that's exactly how I felt.

I almost felt dead. ...Maybe it would have been a lot easier. Oh, well... I think I'm the one responsible for telling you this ominous tale.

That blood... my sweat... and her tears... were all that I could think about at that moment. I couldn't believe it, I just simply couldn't comprehend and follow it. I didn't even want to think about it... I didn't even want it to cross my mind... but it were there. Burning into my heart, deep inside my core, branding it's horrible face across my memories in a rancid, burning scar upon my flesh... it definitely was alive.

Why...? I thought for sure that I could control myself... I believed in myself that I could hold it all in without any problems... I deemed it wouldn't restrain me down any longer. But, you'd never know how wrong I had been all along. I thought I could wait, linger, and never feel the aftershocks of my deep, heart-felt, hidden emotions. But, like an earthquake, these problems had been held deep inside of me for way too long. Somehow... from the calm, polite, gentleman of a person... it slowly transformed me into some beast; like a possessed monster who had no control, even over his own body and thoughts... all because of the demon. That damned demon that just pleasured out of tearing up my life... ripping me limb from limb, merrily slaying away at my heart and torturing the hub of my spirit.

But... I really couldn't blame the demon any longer... for it had been me, and me alone, who couldn't handle these surges of passions. Though I wasn't alone in this aching for my love, I had been the only one having such an issue with these new emotions. Me, Son Gohan, the only weak one out there. He was too afraid to even make love to his own fiancé. Not because she told him to wait, but because...

I...I just didn't want to hurt her.

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My entire body was shaking; I felt cold sweat dripping down my back... I gagged, choked, coughed and cried... all the while Videl just sat there, staring down at the sheets. I couldn't see her face (or hardly anything for that matter) through all of my blurriness, nor did I desire to. But, I knew she had been there. The more I tried not to think about it, the more it shadowed its constant cast over my head. I had no direction, I had no idea where to go from here... I felt like I should have just gotten lynched right there, just to get it over with. (But, I couldn't do that to Videl; she'd kill me for even thinking it.) But, I just felt like I had to get out of there... although it felt my body had been cemented and nailed down to the bed. I just had to get out of that room... this situation.

I remembered when I first thought of Videl in this way... back when I had never even kissed her; back when we could tell each other everything... back when... we were only best friends. I remember walking back to school one day. And for the first time, her face was imprinted in my thoughts and my love for her spirit had lingered throughout my mind. Back when I wouldn't have dared to tell her any of my private fantasies, no matter how mild or natural they'd seemed to be. Back when I was so afraid... because of what she might say and how she might react if she knew the truth about me (which strangely seems like the situation now). What would she do if she knew the real Son Gohan?

I remember the first time with myself. I felt dirty. I felt my hands slowly traveling and groping myself down my abdomen, tracing my muscles and under my boxers while thoughts of her circled and entered my mind, since I couldn't do the same to her. The warm smile, her heavenly body, and her unbelievable personality. I wanted to love her through and through. I'd deliberately begun thrusting myself... and groaned softly for her. Videl, if this is how you really felt, and I know you feel a million times better than this...please relieve my pain for you now. Imagining you is not enough for me. I need to feel you... Me...The one that would dream of her almost every night (well, he tried to) to wonder what her skin felt like. The one who could only imagine what it'd be like to kiss her lips one day, to wonder what she tasted like. The one that could hardly think of anything else and thought he had gone so crazy and absurd... because he always knew she would never love him back. The one that would even give up his own life to be with her... What about that Son Gohan? ...The one who had fallen in love with his best friend? What would she do if she really knew?

Well, there was nothing that I could do about that now. That was in the past and this was now. I looked over to the right and thought about reaching out to touch Videl's arm... until I heard a sticky sound when the covers moved as a dreadful reminder of what I had just done. Oh... how dare I even think to do that over that dream...? Even if it were about Videl, I never wanted to dream of her in that form. How could I have done this to her? I must have ejaculated about 5 times that night to give out this much...

But, you see how this worthless piece of shit can't even say what he did? Oh, yeah, he's so ashamed of it now; but of course he didn't think twice about what would happen if he'd continue to think of her this way. All I could do now was imagine about how badly she must've hated me then. I imagine too much. I wanted to get rid of that forsaken demon, just to rip it apart from my heart, anything to have my Videl back. I cried some more...

I felt the bed rock from side to side as she moved out of her sitting position. She stood apart from the mess and seemed to drift across the floor, as the moonlight had did before in the room. I caught a glimpse of her expression and I noted it looked terribly disgusted with the matter. I saw her open up her arms slightly as she stared down at her wrinkled, over-sized, semen-stained night-wear shirt. I turned my head down in shame. I couldn't see her face anymore, but... that's all I could stand to see. I dropped my head farther down into my arms and continued to keen my tattered, wretched heart out. I wanted to do it until I felt the hurt in my Videl's body transferring into mine; until I felt my soul pouring out along with the tears; and until I had slashed my internal lusts apart, hoping that maybe in a dim shade of light, in the smallest amount of chance, it'd never happen to me again. I saw Videl lower her head and fall to the floor.

So... that was the end... Videl would have to hate me forever then. Since my helpless acts of regression always seemed to hurt her so. And, no matter what kinds of romantic ideas played out in my mind, it had always found some way to eventually stab at me in the back. I was weak and I knew it. What else could I have called it? Out of the year, I couldn't even wait one whole week till I had lost it. In one week, I had fallen off of that bridge, that unstable pathway to our heaven. And, not only had I fallen off, but clumsily, I brought Videl along with me. I'm sorry, Videl. It was my fault that we lost our balance and hurled out of our road to happiness. As we plunged deeper into the realms of the fiery darkness, one could only hope to be granted a soft landing as they swallowed their fear aside and were led into the justice counts, to receive their final sentence.

I looked to my fiancé, who laid dismantled on the rugged ground, masking her face away from me; and I wiped away some of the burning water from inside my eyelids, just to see if she if she was all right. Throughout this whole ordeal, I was unsure as to why she hadn't left yet, as to why she just remained -just subsided- on the carpeted floor. And, she were covering her face with her hands too; I don't know if it was from shame or from shock... but... she had been there for minutes now. Although I was so distraught and encompassed with such overwhelming, convincing feelings to run, I felt the equally intense need to stay. Even though I had been the cause of her pulling away from me, I only wanted to hug her, to hold her tightly in my arms and tell her that I was so sorry for what had happened. Then, I could confess to her all of the sins of my past; then the burden that had held me down these past four years could finally be lifted from atop my shoulders.

"Videl," I tried to mutter out, but to no avail. My broken heart would not allow any words to escape from the cracks. I felt another tear dibble by, down my cheeks and into the wet covers, as I reached out my hand for Videl. It felt like I was reaching into eternity. She didn't even look up... As I realized the love of my life had just drifted away from me.

I swallowed down some phlegm and tried to call her again. No... I couldn't even try anymore. This was useless. It seemed she had already cast her decision. ''I'm so sorry,'' was all I wanted to say. Just this one time, maybe I could've been a little braver. Just this once, maybe I would not be so afraid of my feelings. She hated me so much already, that there were no use in trying to change her heart's rationale... at least for the time being. I sighed in retreat and lowered my head down into my lap. There was nothing I could do. I lost hope of everything...  
So, I just sat there... for about 10 minutes I just sat there. I was sorry, I was so sorry, but I couldn't find any why to apologize to her. I had done so many shameful and disturbing deeds in the past, I still didn't know how someone could've ever forgiven me for those vicious acts. And, to fall in love with me? Even worse! Videl... what was the difference in this case? She wouldn't forgive me either... and, I really could not blame her for deciding to.

I finally stood up from the boundaries withholding me in, and I looked over myself. A low timid laugh suddenly jumped out of my throat, just by glancing down at myself. Ha ha ha ha... this was kind of silly. All of this shit happened because some bastard just didn't want to tell his own fiancé that he wanted to fuck her. And all this happening right now because he had no clue as to how to control himself. He even had a fucking wet dream over it. Ha ha ha... and on his fiancé, too. Ha ha ha ha... what a riot. This was pretty funny. But, the tears from my eyes still continued to pour down from my face.

I had become delirious. I was so delusional... after my emotions now took control of my actions. My brain had completely shut down from that point..I didn't even know what the hell I was doing anymore. This stupid, worthless fuck. I hated myself so much... I hate you... I hate you... I hate you, you son of a bitch.

God, just let me die...please... Hell or Heaven, I don't care. Just let me get away from here; just let me go home.

"Gohan..." a woman's voice called to me. But, being as delusional as I was, I thought it had been an angel from above speaking to my heart, leading me to eternal happiness that awaited my soul. I looked up to the ceiling.

"Where are you...?" I called. "...Am I ready now?" She looked at me rather oddly, I could tell. Well, how ever you put it, I wasn't completely wrong. For there was an angel speaking to me... my ethereal angel -named Videl.

"Gohan, sit down," she said sternly again. I turned and stared. She had such a grave, angered expression on her face; she was being so deathly serious with me... But, what could I do? I had to get out of there. I cautiously took a few steps toward the door until I heard Videl's voice call for me the third time. "Gohan..." she restated, infuriated, while standing, "I said... sit down," she voiced again. "Don't make me repeat myself, dammit." ... She said it... only this time she had such a blaze in her eyes, her breathing rate increased so heavily, and oh my God... it looked like she was looking to kill me herself.

I tried to bravely stand my ground as I noticed my fiancé steadily approaching me. I couldn't move even if I wanted to; my body was frozen in horror... in pure, deathly horror. She came closer to me. I could feel my heart skipping complete beats at a time while a few more tears drizzled down my cheek. I don't think I even had a heart anymore... She took her last two steps toward the shadow I shaped over her. And, she looked up. Up at the face which had held her in bondage all of this time. Well, Videl... this face won't hold you down anymore... I won't keep you away from the world. I'll set you free just like you wanted. ...And that's what I told her."Videl..." I said, feeling another sparkling tear drop down my drowning face. At the very sight of her... what beauty my eyes did not deserve to see. I began to sob loudly and covered my face. Hardly audible, but in a grand enough voice, I cried, "I won't... hold you back anymore! I can't!" My crackling voice spoke. She stopped dead in her tracks in front of my feet, with the anger still beaming in her eyes. "If you want to go, you're free to go," I continued. "No matter how much I love you... you have to leave me. Before I hurt you any longer..." She blinked slowly and started. "Videl...!" I sobbed, and dropped to the floor. I couldn't face her... so I went to her feet. "A-a...a...hn..." ... But, she still kneeled down to my level, and touched the top of my shoulder with her right hand.

I heard her teeth let out a soft sigh, a piteous soft sigh... Her face was so close to mine that I could feel her breath following with it. I paused and tried to halt my sobbing for the moment... I felt her skin against me. Her hand followed the trace of my neck muscles and went to my cheek. She began to caress it slowly... and, I almost died. "Because of this, Gohan...?" she'd asked me, and looked down over myself. ...She actually spoke to me...and she still touched me... after that. Suddenly, from the untold emotions that she retained in her heart, her arms flung around me, and embraced me, in a hug that I will never forget from this day forth.

Was I shaking, I wondered? Was I even breathing anymore? I didn't know; I couldn't tell. All my life... was focused on that moment in time... with my Videl... my precious angel. I really loved her.

What was she doing? Didn't she hate me? And, even if I weren't the most vile element put on this Earth, after what I had just done... it were enough to have all of the women in this world escape from this room, with this body, that this soul rested in. But, no... not Videl... and not only did she refuse to leave the room, and not only did she detest to leaving me alone... but she was sitting here, just hugging me, in those sticky, dirty, semen-stained night-ware garments.

"I... I-I... V-videl..." I stuttered once more, as she placed a single finger to my mouth. Another droplet of salted water trickled down my face in this massive ocean of emotions. She tightened her grip around my shoulders more as I felt her face turn towards my left ear.

And, she whispered into it, "...Stop it, Gohan..." she said, "Stop this fear." I listened. "It's eating you up inside; it''s destroying your heart. If you let it go... all of your problems... would have drifted away." Then, she reached her left hand up to my saturated face, wiping the falling water with her little fingers. And, the tone in her voice completely turned upside-down. From anger, to temperamental, to pity, and now to soft and endearing. "Son Gohan... remember back when we could tell each other everything? When nothing could keep us apart from one another? Not even life and death..." She paused and swallowed. In her hesitation, I turned my face and opened my burning, crying eyes to look at her... "Back when none of this mattered, when no matter how weird we sounded to each other, we still told each other every lasting drop of our feelings? ...What's happened Gohan?" And, she took my right cheek in her careful palm. "What's happened to us...?" ...Quite a question, indeed."I want to... " she voiced, "...I want to make love to you so badly, but... being here right now, in this situation here... it's making me start to hold off things even more. If you really wanted to do this with me... "she said, soothingly moving her right fingers at the small of my neck. That slowly set me off. "...Son Gohan... all you had to do was kindly ask me... and I wouldn't have hesitated a minute to adhere your wishes," she said in a sultry tone. "I want to taste you just as much as you want to act on me... I want to love you in every single way you can think of, too..." She looked into my eyes so deeply... "And, I want to lick you... and I want to ride you... and not a minute goes by where I don't want to feel that body of yours inside of mine..." Videl...Wait a minute... no, stop it, please... "Gohan, I don't want you feeling bad for having these feelings. Like I told you before, you are not the only one. You'll never know how much I love you. I would do anything for you, and you know that. I'm here if you need to talk. Or, if you need someone to touch, or to placate your desires... for anything. I will always be here for you... and it hurts me inside to know that you are keeping your thoughts to yourself, while I am the one giving my heart out to you.

"If you want to touch me, then for God's sake, touch me! If you want to kiss me, you had better kiss me deeply, with everything you have. If you want me to help you in any way, I will do the best I can..." ...Videl... still I am astonished by your overpowering soul... "And... if you don't think you can wait until our marriage to make love to me, then... you don't have to wait. But, you have to understand where I'm coming from too, Gohan. This isn't exactly easy for me either. In fact, it's one of the worst kinds of acts to ever have to go through. It is so truly hard, to watch you fall asleep, see you everyday next to me, feeling those safe, warm arms around me, holding me while I drift off myself ... and to know that I can't really have you yet. I've ran out of ideas...-and I commend the couples who stay pure till their wedding night- because it is so hard to do this..." she kissed the sides of my left cheek, and lingered there for a good 5 seconds before lifting her lips from it. "If you want to stop this pain... then we'll do it. We will make love to each other. Just like we always wanted, okay...? I don't want you suffering any longer. ...But, you're going to have to tell me every single one of your dreams." And, she ended it with an simple, yet captivating smile. "Think that could be arranged...?"

A grin escaped my lips. Videl... oh, my God...I am so sorry. I really should've told you about this earlier... But, I thought you wanted it this way? To wait until we were married to do this? ...Don't you know what you are doing to me...? Being this awfully close to you, smelling your sweet smell, is giving me such an itch, such an awful craving for you... that I simply cannot control it any longer. My now heavy breathing quickly paced higher... I can't stand feeling this way... even after what just happened, I still got erected from hearing her words. I tried to stop myself, but that never works anyway ... I knew myself too well to be fooled by it. I tried to wipe my face with my idle hand as we both joined in kneeling down on the carpet. I noticed my libido building up more as I felt her warm body press against my own. But, that wasn't going to stop me. Nothing was going to stop me from holding my Videl... nothing right now could tear me away from this moment. ...At all. I will shut all of my fears away. I promise I'll unite with you.  
Now, God, please... Just let me make love to her.


	5. How I became halfway open

Disclaimer: I do not own DBZ, of course, so please don't sure me. I am a struggling senior trying to get into college. So you ain't getting nada!

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Steadily, I looked above the shower's spout. Each sprinkle of water seemed to have its own personal way of purifying me. It dripped down to my feet and erased any scoring signs that I had made while I exempted myself onto myself. I opened my mouth to let a few more drops of warm water spray into my mouth.

After she got out, Videl told me to take a shower before talking our relationship over. It was about 4:00 in the morning now… meaning that I had been showering for the past half hour. I was too afraid to know the truth. This sounds vaguely familiar… I'm getting scared again. But, how could I not be? Ever since I had woken up from the dream and relinquished my feelings over to my body, my heart had been pounding from my chest like I had run a 5-mile track race. I never thought in this world, in my entire life, that I'd ever be this scared to do something that I always so sought after to accomplish.

I imagined seeing her wonderful face staring dreamily into my eyes, as I continued to run the lather across the core of my stomach. And there, I endlessly stared at the imaginary figure, with the blankest of looks on my face, as if I had just felt the aftershock from hearing of a parent's death. It wasn't up for question now: I WAS crazy. I faintly smiled at the thought. I needed to stop being so terrified and shaken about a situation that most couples could deal with in just two minutes. But, I wonder… what had other people done about this? What **would** happen if they were in my situation, and they couldn't control their feelings any longer? Besides having sex, what would they do? I couldn't answer the question myself, so maybe if I had the courage to step out of that damn shower and head back into the bedroom, maybe Videl could shine some light on my condition.

After 45 minutes of showering, I felt a lot cleaner now; there were no traces that I had ever committed that horrible act out of lust. But, no matter how hard I showered and showered, that inward scar just never rinsed off my soul.

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I wrapped the robe's belt around my waist as I peered inside the bedroom without making a sound. I saw Videl angelically sitting on a nearby cabinet. She had replaced her worn out clothes with a new pair of pajamas that looked like they belonged to a teenager; red and white plaid, with black stripes throughout the pattern. But, it was cute… It was Videl. I also noticed that she had removed the dirty covers from the bed. I inhaled a deep gulp of air as I took a few more steps forward and entered the room. My heart skipped another beat.

"Gohan?" Videl asked, as she heard the door slowly creak open. Well, there I **was**, all nice and clad in my soft, comfortable light-bluish robe. And, the night sky shone in the beautiful white glow of moonlight. What a perfect day to die. "Gohan…" I was too afraid to look her in the eye. "I put the sheets in the washing machine, all right? Why don't we go into my old room to talk instead?" She asked it politely, but without any happiness showing through. I nodded lightly to show that I agreed to her proposal. But, I didn't try to force a meek smile, knowing that if I tried, it would just end up strengthening my excessively pitiful state.

I went in first, and she followed suit close behind. Her room was right next door to the other area we had been sharing. There was a weird radiance of dark red across the walls. I had only been in here a few times before… being in it now felt like I was surrounded by multiple amounts of people, who all knew each other, but had no clue who this guy with the spiky hair was. Then, I just remembered what was the real reason why we were in here: I had to expose my dreams to her. …Damn it.

From the corner of my eye, I could see Videl closing the door behind her. I acted like it didn't faze me, yet inside, I was so uneasy with not being knowledgeable about what the hell was going to happen next. It felt like my stomach began to churn and cramp over, but I later realized my trouble was a little further downward. Relentlessly, I stared into the wall; I wasn't planning on finding anything in particular. I just needed to focus on something other than the numerous possibilities my fiancé could tell me. I felt her waves of energy move behind me. I still did not show my face to this woman, and I could tell she was getting a little restless with my actions. …Or, so I thought. Without hearing a single syllable, I felt two warm arms circle around my waist.

For some reason, she found the need to hug me again. I don't know what I had done to initiate these feelings for me… Maybe she became upset because I was never facing her.

"Gohan… I want you to come over to the bed." Videl ordered in a calm, soft voice. I felt the nervousness creep inside me once again as my heart skipped another beat. Her little hands swayed my body to move with her direction. She sat me down first and let go of my mid-section, and then she got herself situated near me in a cross-legged position. Without any more words, she guided my head to lie down onto her lap. I remember this feeling. It was the same as when I was about to take a big exam in my Calculus class.

We never spoke from then for a good ten minutes, but the moments seemed to pass by as hours. During that time, Videl was trying to ease my apprehension by combing her fingers through my dark clumps of hair. I closed my eyes and breathed deeply; I almost could've fallen asleep listening to her gentle breathing, as it would always soothe me in the darkest of hours. But, I didn't feel secure at all, being this close to her after what had just happened an hour in the past… I opened my eyes slowly and looked up to the woman who'd continued to hold me. She wasn't even looking at me anymore; her eyes were more geared toward the glowing window that allowed the shimmering moonlight into the room. I couldn't physically see it, but I knew it myself. Maybe, like me, she was searching for something to say.

From here, I had a wonderful view of my fiancé's visage. I noted to myself how captivating she looked in deep thought, staring into nothing. If I could draw, I'd paint now the loveliest picture of a woman that any man had ever seen. But, I felt a little embarrassed by her beautiful body being so close, continuing to message through my hair. Besides the nervousness, it brought back my feelings of yearning for her; this way, I felt so exposed… Any modest physical sensation would show up so obviously on me… I felt like turning over on my belly.

"Gohan…"she said suddenly, breaking my train of thought. From staring at the window, she took her vision toward me now. I met her eyes with mine. "Why do you feel the way you do?" she asked simply. At first I didn't want to answer, just because I was too lazy to answer. I knew it would take me a while to explain this whole tribulation.

"Um… w-well…" I stammered at first, "What do you mean exactly? Concerning what?"

"Concerning about your decisions; how you think you need to hide things from me in order for me to like you," she answered. Oh. …The question threw me a little off-guard, so I tried to take up time to think, by pretending to consider something important. "I'm tired of your excuses; would you just **answer** me, Gohan?" Well, I guess I couldn't fool her... But, I knew better than to try.

"Well, the real answer is…" I swallowed nervously, "… I don't know." I could tell she wasn't satisfied by my answer. "I guess… I was scared." …**Now** we're getting somewhere, idiot.

She developed a look of concern in her eyes as she leaned back and looked down at me. "Scared? Scared of what? I already told you that you don't have to be afraid of losing me, just because you do certain things, even if you do think that they are shocking or immoral… Dreams are something that you can't help or control anyway."

"But, I don't think about it only in the **dreams**…" I admitted. "The dreams just slap my true beliefs into my face. That's why, I mean… That's why I was so afraid of it, because I felt so overtaken by my stupid emotions that—"

"Your emotions aren't stupid." She stated immediately. "What kind of material did your dreams consist of so much, that you brought yourself to call them stupid?" I didn't want to answer at first. "And, stop being such a coward about it. Just tell me, Gohan." She said with a stern gaze. Great… I knew where she was getting at. If I told her this, then I would have to tell her every diminutive detail about everything else. But, then I remembered what she had told me earlier: that if I didn't want to suffer any longer, I just had to let everything go. So… I had to abide.

Taking deep breaths, I began, "I'm afraid that if I… make love to you…" I hesitated, "… That I am going to hurt you." Saying this brought back scenes and feelings from my dreams, and a few tears began to fall unintentionally. "There. I said it." I wiped my eyes hastily, and forced a cracked smile on my face that turned into a quick frown. My voice was too choked up to say anything else. I needed to get away from her sight, because I felt like crying again and my idiotic, damned erection got to the point of being too obviously visible. I turned to lie on my stomach, and I covered my face with my arms as I breathed in deeply, yet incrementally. How could this stupid boy still get turned on after admitting something like that? Was something inside of me telling my heart that maybe I really did intend to hurt her? It can't be. I'd kill myself before I'd hurt my Videl. So, I don't know what this was… I tried to continue with immersed breaths, "I mean… would if I got carried away with my feelings, that I… I mean, I know I probably will get carried away, lose myself and I won't think about being careful anymore. All I will care about is letting out…" I breathed heavily. "And, if I let out too much…" I couldn't even finish my sentence because it brought out to many feelings from the hour before. "I had a dream that I killed you… while we were having sex. And, I—" I held myself up with my elbows. " I hated myself so much to have a fucking wet dream over it. It just didn't seem right. …How I could find pleasure in hurting you." Videl's hands paused from grooming me. "I-I hate it… I hate being a Saiyan, having to watch my strength all of my life. I hate… having these feelings over you… it's like I'm never satisfied. What the hell do I **want**? I have to literally turn you out before I can feel the need to move on? It's fucking sick…" I sobbed. "So fucking sick of me..." I couldn't believe how pathetic this sounded. "If I start… I really don't think I could ever stop."

I continued to put forth myself, crying on the bed sheets and into Videl's lap. She just looked at me with concerning eyes.

"You just don't know how hard… I have to hold myself back all the time, when I'm just kissing you, or holding you, or touching your face. It gets so difficult day after day, because everyday, I fall in love with you more and more… And, I just want to, I don't know… show you just how much passion I have for you. But, if I happen to hurt you during my bursts of desire, I'd never be able to forgive myself." I somehow stopped sobbing and just looked toward the window in front of me. "I mean if I hurt you, would **you** even be able to forgive me?" I asked.

"Well… if it happened like that… I would understand." She suddenly replied. Her answer took me by surprise and I paused for a couple of seconds. "If I were a Saiyan, I probably would hurt you with my passion, too." I blinked some incoming tears away.

"No… it's different for me… Videl, you just haven't experienced how hard it is to hold yourself back all your life. And, now you're telling me to just let it all go? …It's not that simple…" I played with the folds of the covers to let out some of this nervous energy. There, I'd noticed my hands had been shaking. Videl stared sternly at my back for a few seconds, then angrily turned my body around so I could face her. This completely startled me, but I did nothing to refute her actions. She opened her legs across my body, balancing herself on her knees; and, without delay, began undressing me. "W-what are you doing, Videl!" I almost screeched, as I tried to put my arm back into the sleeve.

"What's so hard about being naked in front of me?" My fiancé asked. "If you have sex with me, then you're going to have to show yourself to me anyway, right? Or, do you think you're not ready?" I think that she was challenging me…

"No… that's not the reason, it's just…" I said, tying my robe tighter around my body, "…I'm kind of…" and, I looked down to my lower body.

"Kind of what? Turned on?" Videl inquired. I think she knew already; she just wanted me to embarrass myself by admitting it, so I discreetly nodded my head for her. "Well, I don't care. I'm going to see it eventually anyway, right?"

"But… really… this is putting me on the spot…" I felt myself growing with redness across my face. "If you don't think this is so scary, then why don't **you** do it first?" I asked sarcastically.

"I asked you first though." Videl replied in point of fact. "…But, if you do it, then I'll do it too." She added. Um… what did she just say? She took me seriously…! My eyes widened so much that the moonlight from the other side of the room reached my vision. "It's not because you're embarrassed of your body, is it? I bet you are beautiful."

"It's not that either… I-I just can't do that. No… no, it's too much… right now."

"Would you quit being such a coward about everything? It's only me here." And, she spoke the truth. "How are we ever going to have sex if you are too afraid to show some skin?"

"But, it feels like a million people are watching me…" I said back. "And your importance **is** like a million people to me… Well, more…" She stopped fussing with my robe and looked into my eyes.

"I'm trying to prove a point to you, Gohan. To show you that letting go **IS** that simple. If you say you're not embarrassed about your body and if I say that I'd accept you in any way, then what is there to be afraid of?"

I waited to come up with my answer. I really wanted to… Gohan, why are you so stupid? Geez! At a loss for answers, all I could come up with was a "… I don't know, Videl." But, as I thought about it, I exposed the truth a little more. "But, if I see **you** like that, I might… go overboard…" …I deliberately loss contact with her eyes and looked into the ceiling. "It's enough to just _imagine_ you like that, but to see it with my own eyes… I'd just… lose it." Actually, just talking about it, I was already on the brink of losing it. Videl wasn't helping my case either while she sat on my lower stomach, brushing her bottom against the top of my hardened member. That look in her eye that she loved to give me happened again… she definitely had something devious planned. But, I always seemed to love getting ensnared in those traps. With another blank look, she easily slid from off top of me, laid down to my right side and brought her right hand up to my chest.

"Well, Gohan…" She began, "… I just think you gave yourself your own solution." And, what exactly did you mean by that, Videl…? Continuing looking into my eyes, she casually steered her hand lower and lower past my belly button… "If you won't let me see it… Then, I am going to feel it." No, she _just_ did _not_ say that… My eyes widened for the second time tonight. My mouth, my lips, my whole body started to shake with my panicky spirit. … I couldn't move…! She loosened the felted belt and reached inside the robe. "And remember," she said, "…Lose yourself." That sharp pain shot again in me through my crotch.

From then on in, I went into a trance. Once again, Videl had emitted her spell on me and I was struggling with myself to not transform into some wild, demonic, hungry animal. It was like all of my energy left from my whole body and directed itself in just that one organ. "Ah… no…" I moaned faintly while biting my lip and squirming around the covers, trying to contain myself in front of my Videl. "Please, Videl…" I pleaded, closing my eyes once again. "S… Stop it… please…" I tightened up my face in pain, and licked my lips. What was she waiting for? …Till I exploded? Videl, I don't even think I **have** any semen left! She was seriously torturing me… but this time it was intentionally. My shaking left hand reached across my stomach and grabbed onto Videl's arm. This made her stop to look into my squinting eyes, though she did not discontinue stroking me.

"You don't really want me to stop." Videl gravely stated, looking over my squirming body and moisturizing her own lips. She began caressing my throbbing manhood with much more force this time, causing my eyes to slowly roll to the back of my head… I eventually let go of her arm. Then, this woman bent down close to my face and whispered into my ear, "Just let go, Gohan. …Just let it out." And she lowered herself to begin kissing my neck. My frail body ruptured apart from this point from taking so much pain and torment. I moaned out loudly for her while my right arm tangled through her silky, shadowy hair.

"Videl…!" I groaned. "Ohh…. Videl…!" I couldn't control my breathing any longer. "Ahh……" I sighed forcefully. My mouth remained agape in pure bliss, needing to gasp for air. And, she kissed my open mouth, forcing me follow along with the action. I suddenly flipped my fiancé on her back and leapt on top, kissing her vigorously. I rubbed her close to my body, to my aching erection, and even tried to make love to her right there. I stopped in the midst of undressing her and myself, and instantly converted myself back into reality. "I…" this Saiyan started. I could only sigh… Videl looked to me with a touching expression; her arms were laid half-arched by her head, and her clothes were falling halfway off her shoulders. We just paused to look over each other a few brief moments, before I finally got off of her. "I'm sorry, Videl…" I timidly admitted while lying on her side.

What stopped me? My emotions got the best of me again. I was just lucky enough that she hadn't broken up with me yet. But, how long did I have left? How many more mistakes did I have left to make before she made her final decision on our relationship? From my peripheral vision, I saw a smile escape from those lips that I'd touched.


	6. The shaky road to freedom

Disclaimer: I do not own DBZ, of course, so please don't sue meh. ;

Author's Note:- Sorrrryyyyyyy for taking so long to update, lol... been lacking inspiration and which direction to go with the story... (usually I write better when I'm depressed and lonely, so it's hard to get into that mood again) Oo; Please forgive me, please forgive me... -gets down on one knee and hands you flowers- Well, you can forgive me, if you actually like the chapter I'm 'putting out', bwahaha. ;) -perverted linkage- -Ahem- Yes, on with the story already!

By the way, it includes a lot more dialouge, not just inside Gohan's little mind :) So, hopefully, that means things will happen quicker! Enjoy:D

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I heard the morning birds awaken with their chipper songs in the east. It was now 5a.m. I suppose going to work was out of the question today.

This may have been the only time in the whole duration that I've slept together with Videl, when I did not feel any depressing sorts of feelings. I don't know what really changed in me, exactly... and to tell you the truth, I don't think anything significantly did. Maybe the kid in the candy store finally received his chocolate bar... maybe the bum on the street finally received enough compassion that someone decided to hand him a few dollars... and maybe Videl had held my hand tight enough to prevent my fall from that terrifying bridge to our destiny. Maybe I have discovered a new hope. I had begun to get bored with my decisions and even with myself. Ever since Videl and I had begun sleeping together, this complete turn of events seemed like the same thing happening over and over again... What was the core of the problem? Am I sure I just didn't want to hurt her...?

The birds took their daily flight into the wilderness, probably to search for a scrap to eat. I needed to be like the flock of birds; so free, and so willing to switch their situation.

...A change of heart is sometimes nice.

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"'Sorry,' Gohan?" Videl asked me, tilting her head a little to the left. She let out a slight smirk. "No, you're not sorry..." she then chuckled. "Not at all." I forced myself to pause for a small while to contemplate what she had just said. Then turning around, I did, and somehow amazed her with my puzzled expression. I sat up on the edge of the bed.

"W-What do you mean?" I asked, sitting up. "T-that was completely sincere! I'm really sorry!"

"First of all, stop apologizing." She countered back. I couldn't comprehend, but I did not look her in the eye to question back. She got up and obstinately held my chin up to make me stare at her. "That was a brave accomplishment you did. …I'm glad, Gohan." And, she kissed me.

"Huh...? What did **I** do...?" I wondered, befuddled. And, Videl smiled her first real smile tonight.

"You were able to see how easy it was just to let go of all those emotions." She replied. I guess she felt happier since she reached around to hug me. "But, I'm sorry, too…" she began confessing. I glanced at her. What did she mean? For what? "…Because… I never gave you the chance to let out your emotions for me. I just kept saying 'lets wait until marriage' blah blah blah… without even having your consent on the issue. And then a week ago, when you told me that you would wait forever, well… I… I honestly didn't want you to wait that long for me. The only reason I really asked for us to wait was because I was scared myself."

"Scared? … Not **you**…" I said, trying to be comforting. She lowered her head.

"Yeah, I was… just the idea of us being so close, having that connection between each other, is what scared me. But, I should've gotten you 'used' to me before I… asked to sleep with you. I knew you probably couldn't hold it in… so I guess I'm saying I did it intentionally, just to see how long you could hold out. But, I really only wanted to be next to you; I didn't mean to take it this far… To the point where you'd be crying over me, just because you wanted to make love with me so bad."

"No, it was just because I didn't want to hurt you…" I said back. "It's not your fault. It's my will to blame."

"No, it's **not**!" Videl suddenly yelled. I became afraid, and she grabbed my robe. "Do you think any of this crap would be happening if I'd never made you promise to wait with me?" ...Did she honestly think this was all her fault?

"Videl, I would still be afraid to do it too, because I wouldn't want to hurt you."

"But, you never sat and thought about it until I made you promise. Right...?" I gave up the blank look on my face... I wasn't sure...

"Wait a minute, Videl," I started, "You didn't **make** me promise. I wanted to go through it myself, also. I thought it would seem righteous and virtuous to wait until we were married… so I agreed with you." I landed a hand onto her hair and stroked it a bit. She lifted her head and sighed... The merciless hold she had on my robe gradually loosened.

"What..." she began, "What's wrong with us, Gohan...?" I paused for a second... I didn't want to know the answer to my next question, but holding it in would've been even more torturous.

"What... do you mean, Videl...?" I gained enough of my disposition back to look her in the eyes. ...But for the first time... out of this whole week... she evading my gaze purposely. No matter how long I'd waited for her to give up her act, she wouldn't give me that face that I yearned for; the face that says, 'it's okay, I understand your feelings'. It was the face of, 'I don't want to talk about it with you.' Not for one second, did she even try to look at me. Suddenly, I realized how heartbreaking having this done to you could be... and how much extraneous, unneeded pain I caused to Videl. It makes you feel almost worthless; you feel so undeserving of the other's words... All this time, and I've only finally realized it. This is... just getting stupid.

"You know... exactly... what I 'mean,'" Videl finally replied back to me. I could tell by her mid-sentence pauses that her anger was slowly beginning to rise. "I've asked you before... what happened to us... our connection... but, you never answered back. So, I'm asking now." I suppose Videl's glances weren't the only questionings I had been avoiding during the night. "Gohan..." she began again, "They say that... your true power showcases itself when you are at your weakest. ...Not when you are refreshed, not when you are full of energy; but it's when you are at your lowest, that your genuine strength shines through the most. And, if you break down at your weakest... then you were never strong enough in the first place."

I chuckled a little... "My dad's told me that countless times." I chuckled a little again, but only enough to try to relieve the awkward stress between us. This wasn't working...

"So, my point is..." Videl continued, "if our relationship breaks down because of this one subject..." she swallowed hard, "how strong was our relationship in the first place?" It shook me... I knew I didn't want to know her answer. I just sat there, feeling the most helpless I had ever been this entire night; even more so than when I couldn't answer why I'd been having those dreams about her. At least I knew the core reason then... that I didn't want to hurt her... But... this question... left me in the river to drown. I... was truly clueless. "Nothing to say, eh?" Videl asked, finally looking up at me. "I guess your silence has answered my question." She was trying her hardest to hide the hurt inside, but something was telling me her efforts had been thoroughly translucent. She got from off the bed and stood up. An outstretched arm met my eye, as she silently summoned me to join her. I almost began to cry, just by knowing that she was hiding her pain, for me. Why does she always think I would never notice...?

"Videl..." I struggled to say, "I just don't... know... I'm sor–"

"Stop it." She immediately replied back, holding the other hand up to my face... and slightly smiling... but for what, I wondered? "Just... come with me," she finished. I looked at her with such suspicion and wonder. You see, usually when she says this, she wants to get out of the house.

"Will I need a coat?" I questioned out loud.

"Gohan... Whatever protection is necessary." And, by reaching out for her hand, I thoroughly abided.

"...Okay." And we went off.

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In that frigid, still winter weather, we walked outside in our backyard. At least, that's where it started... Eventually, we'd ended up flying somewhere to the south, just enough to have it warm up enough that we didn't need our winter coats on this early March morning. My fiancé and I sat on top of a huge cliff, overlooking the nearby city. The sun had begun to rise from the ocean, greeted by an unwavering cast of blues, purples, and pinks throughout. I guess Videl preferred this scenery than the dreary coldness of our previous location. It was very...

"Relaxing, isn't it?" she completed my sentence, unknowingly. I laughed for a while, giving her a questioning (and not to mention, confused) look.

"Ha ha, sorry, sorry, it's just that... I was thinking the exact same thing." I contended to slowly stop myself, as Videl smiled a little herself too. Raising her legs to rest her head on her knees, she turned toward the ocean and sighed.

"...You sure do apologize a lot." ...It was quiet for a while. I lost all of my humor... I knew where she was getting at. I sat down beside her, and sighed with her.

"Is that really such a 'bad' thing; to feel remorse for an unacceptable act you've committed?"

"Yes," she answered, simply. Heh... I smirked a little. She'll always be the same Videl... not that it's a bad thing to be. "It's 'bad' when it's unnecessary... and especially when you hadn't done anything wrong, or when you'd meant to do it in the first place." I turned myself toward the ocean too. I see... "Gohan... Once you stop apologizing for these automatic actions, your world will be much simpler and unconfined..." She was right... in a way.

"It's not like that, Videl," I retorted. "My kinds of 'reflexes' are... immeasurably severe in comparison." I gazed down to the grass, "At least, that's what it always feels like to me." I combed my fingers through the greenish blades, taking in their calming sensation.

"I don't know about 'immeasurably' severe..." she let out slowly. "I'm just saying... that you shouldn't need to justify feeling something that is completely natural." Heh... Don't look at me like that with that somber expression, Videl... 'Natural,' she says? I wouldn't call practically raping and killing you in my dreams a 'natural' thought. Videl, you must have gone just as insane as me. "Gohan." she called to me soon after noticing my dreamy look. "...The bad thing about being too smart... is that you think too much. So, don't start this again. Tell me... what is inside of your mind. I'm sure your feelings did not start with just the dream."

"No..." I admitted, letting out a lasting sigh. "I don't know how much you understand about my past, Videl, but... letting go has never been that easy for me." She stared emptily at my saddened face.

"I thought I'd proven that you were wrong about that already? You'd just done it back home."

"That doesn't mean... that it was easy for me," I replied, grabbing a clump of grass in my hand.

"Then, what was so hard about it?" she asked. "I've heard this before already... Why..." my fiancé asked, a little hurt in her voice. "Why don't you ever want to talk to me about these things...? It's the same problem over and over again. I thought I'm supposed to be the closest person to you; the one who you should feel completely safe in sharing your desires with! Do you not..." she looked down at the grass herself, "...trust me enough?"

"That isn't it, and you know it!" I turned to face her, suddenly. A bit surprised by my sudden outburst, she sat back to her original sitting position. "I do trust you... but... trusting **myself **is the... bigger issue." I tried to regain my composure. "When I'm fully conscious of what's around me, there's no fear in approximating my abilities of what I can and cannot do." I looked off to the side. "It's just that when I'm in that sexual trance, is when I'm the most vulnerable. And... I can't help it."

"How do you know how you'll be if you never give yourself the opportunity?" Videl barked back. She still looked quite upset with me. But, of course...

"...Because..." I said, slowly, "...that opportunity has the chance of hurting you." I intentionally obstructed my vision with my right hand, sighing, and calming back down. "I'm sorry, Videl..." From my left eye, I saw her squeeze the grass beside her into a fist. My heart began to pound, eagerly waiting for a response. Videl's small mouth opened to form new words.

"Stop apologizing, dammit..." she replied softly, but with a hint of anger in her voice. "I already told you, I'd forgive you, Gohan." Her voice sounded a little choked up to me... I hoped to God she wasn't crying... "Why not at least** try**? If you really trust me as much as you claim to, then trust me enough to let you know when you are hurting me. **IF**... you hurt me. Although... it wouldn't be your fault, anyway... that you were that way; that you can't help but to be strong." What an ironic statement...

I let my lips stretch out into a harmonious, delicate grin. "I sure don't **feel **like one of the strongest men in the universe," I stated, softly. "Not right now..."

"That's because you're letting your fears take over the rest of your mind." I looked to her... "Feelings and emotions can be good assets, but... you can't let them control you. Staying stuck in that emotional rut will only wear and drain you. And, no matter what you say, a person is able to control themselves at any time, while feeling any thing. It's all... how you discipline yourself."

I sighed, and grinned a bit, "My dad used to tell me that, too..." She grinned back and scooted closer to my right side.

"I'm sure he understood that saying the most," my fiancé stated, as a matter of factly. "I remember you telling me that Vegeta used to hate your father's compassion." I smiled and shrugged my shoulders, although I knew she was quite right.

"I know... but I'm a little different," I said. I felt our shoulders touch one another. It felt then, that I automatically should put an arm around hers. "I have a habit of letting my emotions control my actions... not thinking like I should be; ever since I was a kid, I'd always been that way. It's not right... but... I don't think... I can change myself to another whole personality." I felt those little arms hug me around my waist, and she clasped her hands together on my left side.

"I don't think... it is something that you truly **need** to change." I turned my head toward hers, yearning for her to explain her statement more. "I believe that the problem isn't the emotions itself, just how you deal with them. You just bottle up those emotions until they get to their boiling point, and **that** part, I don't think is right at all. You don't need to hide your feelings to anyone. So what if they won't accept you? If they aren't willing to accept the whole package of you, including your good AND bad points, then maybe the relationship wasn't meant to be in the first place... we can't pretend to be something we're not for others. Sacrificing your feelings like that, especially to the point where you are destroying your own self... is not right. I'm sure your father has told you to 'let it all go' before also, am I correct?" ...I merely smiled.

Heh... I steadily released my gaze from the ocean to the cliff, to the grass, then to our touching legs. I closed my eyes and for a moment, pretended that my troubles had never even existed. I almost couldn't believe... that only about an hour ago, my troubles seemed to increase as fast as falling dominoes; it was always one thing after the other. But for the first time... in all of my twenty-two years of living, it seemed that things were finally starting to make sense for me. I don't know why it took so damned long to find this out. Finally, I could accept my troubles, and not ignore them; not feel like they would just disappear under my feet, not hide myself, in fear that I wouldn't be accepted. I had found a place I could truly belong, where I could finally set myself free to feel whatever I'd wanted. I didn't think that learning to accept myself could be so easily turned around just by hearing a few words from someone that you'd never even knew existed before... someone that you just so happened to meet one day... meeting Videl was truly an act of God. I was an incredibly lucky bastard, to say the least.

The continuous cascading of dominoes didn't seem to matter much, now that I found a way to just buy another pack.

I reached around my waist to pick up her hands in my own. And, I held them, as gently as these Saiyan hands could. A simple, delicate kiss reached her knuckles from my lips, and to which I finally replied, "...Very much so, Videl." Her face brightened up right after hearing my reaction.

"I'm glad..." she replied softly, but very heartfelt. "Just trust me enough that I'll accept you no matter your behavior... and most importantly, trust yourself that you'll be able to demonstrate it to me."

"I will..." I vocalized airily. I continued to kiss her hands, out of pure gratitude. Thank you, Videl... I will never be able to make it up to you... for all that you've done for me. But, I can do none other than to try my damndest. I lied down on the grass, taking Videl with me, and continued to share my love with her. "...You're an angel." She looked to me, with a little surprised expression when a blush ran across her face.

She laughed a little, "But my last name is 'Satan.'"

"...Well, not for long," I replied. She stared at me for a while, and I could feel her aura enveloped in complete happiness... although it looked like she was about to cry. Not wasting another second, she wrapped herself around my body into a granting hug.

"Don't you ever change..." I heard a voice sob from under my clothes.

"I won't if you won't," I responded to her, kissing the top of her hair. She shook her head slowly and gradually stopped crying. Now this... was an unusual predicament. Remember that 'demon of lust' that I said had crept up inside me, the one that had been causing all of my problems? I felt it again seeping inside of my body again, but this time... I actually smiled at the feeling. And, why not? Doesn't it feel good to get turned on? Especially when a beautiful woman is on top of you... well, halfway. "Videl..." I began to say, "Do you mind... getting all the way on top of me?" Her head immediately shot up, and she looked at me with such wonder. 'Why?' I figured she wondered. 'Why not?' I secretly thought back to myself. I thought it was funny... ha ha ha... (but I admit, I did blush a little). "Well... because... I just like the way your body feels... on mine..." I was ready to accept any confused looks. But, I looked at her straight in the eye this time, and bit my bottom lip, yearning for more. "Please...?"

She grinned, "Only because you said please..." she joked. And she did so... letting our bodies match the other horizontally. I closed my eyes to enjoy the moment, and a huge sigh was released from the pit of my lungs... a sigh, it seemed, that I had been holding in for far too long. "...Am I that heavy?" Videl questioned.

"Ha ha ha ha, no, no..." I laughed off. "Just... enjoying myself." I raised my neck a little to kiss her cheek.

"Or, 'enjoying' me," my fiancé reminded me. I began placing my kisses up to her neck.

"Well, I'm wanting to..." allured a voice from the heart of my passion. Videl closed her eyes to enjoy the moment, also.

"Gohan, are you sure that you could ride the nimbus now? You've turned into a dirty boy..." I interrupted my kissing and began to laugh out loud again... and you know what they say, laughter is contagious. Well, at least this was a much better mood that before... "It's okay though... It's not like I didn't ask for it..." She ran an hand through her silky strands, out of my face.

"That's right..." I reinstated, "you have to accept the whole package."

Videl smiled, tracing a finger across my chest. "Well, first I have to **see** the... 'whole package.'" I laughed again.

"I'm not the only pervert, pervert!" I caroused.

"Whatever! I accept my pervy-ness... We don't need the nimbus anyway, since we can fly..." She smiled, and kissed my forehead.

"You are right..." I sighed, still grinning a dopey grin... "Very right." A earnest, loving expression came across her face, and she nodded slightly. Our arms wrapped around each other's bodies, and we savored our silence together in that drifting sunrise. Moments like these... make all the pains of living worthwhile. I really loved her... it didn't have to be so announced and profound. As long as the both of us knew... it was all right with me. "Videl..." I vocalized. She turned toward me and gave a slight grin.

"Hm...?" is all she asked. I held her close...

"Let's go have sex..." I said to her.

"..." She was, indeed, caught off guard... very much so. "...'Please...?'" she asked. And, I beamed a smile back.


	7. From the forest, to the hills

Disclaimer: Aren't you tired of these disclaimer things? lol XD I don't own DBZ for the freggin' umpteenth time! ...But writing stories about the characters is another thing... hehehe

A.N.- Yes, another chapter (and it's kinda long...)! And so much sooner than the last... well, even though the last took two years to finally finish it... .. Sorry again for that! I hope you'll enjoy this one though! And, by the way, thank you sooooooo much for your awesome-blossom reviews on this thing. They really give me inspiration and help me to go on. It makes me want to do even more for you all, so thank you very much (again):D I'm planning on ending this story soon... maybe not this chapter, but most likely, in the next... or the next after the next, maybe...lol ... I'll see! XD Love yas! And thanks for reading it, in advance! You guys should give me an e-mail so I can actually thank you personally! It's hard to thank anonymous readers! lol

Hopefully I didn't make it... **too** long ; A lotta stuff happens...

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**From the forest, to the hills, to the unwavering sky...**

Anticipation is another monster of mine that I've been dying to control over my lifetime. This particular emotion does wonders to damage your being, not because of what it is, but because it encompasses so much of your daily life... not just with fighting, with women, or with just wanting a feast to eat... this particular monster of a mental state is one that you carry along with you, changing every second, depending on your varying levels of excitement and fear within that day.

But, why is it that we always want to know what lies ahead of us? What's so wrong with being surprised of an event? I wish someone would tell me what is so difficult about waiting until the moment unfolds...? Because after that, once living in the moment, the world around you would be served upon an open platter, where you can finally see and touch and taste and feel everything that is tangible in this world; where all possibilities are open for experimentation with its existence being everlasting. ...It is a lot easier than you fail to realize.

All of these thoughts entered and raped my mind as I gazed as this wondrous beauty before me. Draped in the classics of nothing but a simple bed sheet, I could do nothing but stare and allow my heart to react in the ways most natural. ...But, my anticipation was forcing me to get ahead of myself... I apologize, but I have to commence this from the beginning.

If you need a little advice as to not skip ahead... Just ask me; I am the self-proclaimed master of knowing how to wait.

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"So, these dreams have been happening ever since we've gotten together?" Videl asked a simple question. We were flying home together, side by side, attempting to make conversation about my recent predicament... I really, honestly still didn't want to talk about it... but... after all of this...I knew... I should.

"Well... to tell you the truth, it began before we had gotten together, too..." I uneasily admitted to her. "Just... not as equally intensified, as the ones are now... I suppose."

"Hmm..." she then replied a simple reply. She began drifting closer to me, unaware of it or not. I couldn't distinguish her feelings from just her face; she just continued looking forward into the early morning, cloudy horizon. "And what did they consist of?" She continued her wonders, finally turning her head to me.

"Ah... um..." I looked at her for a while, but eventually, my gaze gave up the act and looked toward the city below us... "Not all of them were as risque as the others... a lot have been pretty decently PG-rated... it's just the ones lately that have not..." I looked up at her again, in fear that she would get angry about the purpose misdirections of my eye contact. "I think it's just my sexual tension." I grinned a little. "I am a man, after all."

"That isn't what makes it okay, Gohan..." She commented on my words with a calming expression. "You don't have to make excuses for it. You dream about it just because you do... just because your subconscious mind is usually your outlet for your emotions. No matter how contorted they are from what you'd actually do in real life... your emotions and mind work together still, to form the infrastructure for them. Besides..." She smiled, "As I've said before, you aren't the only one. And, I am definitely not 'a man.'" A quick grin floated to my face.

"I sure hope not..." I added, jokingly, smiling back. "I mean, you never know... I haven't exactly seen you naked yet..." Videl immediately shot in toward me.

"HEY! Hahahaha!" and gave me a quick, playful shove. "With comments like that, I don't know how willing I'll be when it comes down to getting undressed in front of you. You should say things more positive! Like... 'Ohh, my baby, you are such a hunk of beautiful goddess-ness. To touch is to tease! Let me love you, for my appetite is almost insatiable. Meeooww!'" ...Uh... I was blank with any words, in my voice or on my face.

"You are such a weird girlfriend..." I smiled, tauntingly, embracing her in a hug.

"What!" she retorted. "**You **can't talk! You are a dorky boyfriend, yourself...!"

"Well, I never argued against that..." I held her closer to myself. "If you didn't like my dorkiness, I don't think you'd be with me after all this time..." Videl quieted down her tone as I gently kissed the top of her hair.

"Well... I never argued against that, either..." she replied softly, allowing me to hold her underneath myself as her flying started slowing down its pace... I continued my embrace upon her, and sustained the both of us with my ki only. "I think, maybe you should fly just a little faster home..." she noted.

"That's why I'm holding you..." I replied. "If I can even make it home at all." She waited for a while, and then peeped up at me.

"Huh...?" she asked the obvious question. I hesitated responding myself a little.

"My heart is beating so out of control..." I acknowledged. "I shouldn't anticipate this so much though... knowing myself, I'll probably get nervous and back out of this at the last minute out of apprehension."

"You think your problems are always so** unequalled**, don't you? How many times do I have to tell you: you're not the only scared one, you know..." my fiancé answered. We both were quiet for a while, just to enjoy the scenery overlooking the trees... or just searching for something to say. Her little hands made their way to her stomach, where mine were holding fast unto her.

"But..." I began, "Although I do feel this way... it feels like I can't even wait long enough to get us home... that I could just make love to you in the forest right now, right below us." ...I felt the grip on my hands get ever so slightly tighter after hearing my last statement.

"Then..." she began, "Maybe you should fly a little **more** faster."

I grinned momentarily and said, "Let's see if I can break my record."

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I am claiming to be no all-knowing saint here... but I've had quite a few experiences in my lifetime that've dealt with fear and doubt. I've learned that it's okay to have reasonably acceptable fears; everyone has had experience with at least one in their lifetime, whether they choose to admit it or not. It is always the easy road out to either avoid, or choose to ignore your fears. But, the warrior should always face them. You can never experience life if you continue to hide from them. Fears, troubles, problems... in order to mature, you must grow and experience these things as individuals.

Unfortunately, I've had to learn this the hard way. Who knew that facing your fears could be so... revealing of your character? I don't know if I should be, but... I'm... unusually excited. Not the excitement that a kid gets, waiting to go to their favorite theme park; but the kind that's so fathomless... so overpowering... so overclouding... that if you tried to possibly think of something else, you would only be lying to yourself about your emotions. This... is what I was feeling. The feeling that people would get if they knew a meteor was about to hit their planet and there wasn't a thing they could do. The spectacle would be so frightening... yet so rare and miraculous at the same time.

This was my internal conflict of interests.

Once we had arrived at our designated location, we dusted ourselves off a bit and put our winter coats back on (that we had left at home), since the weather was absolutely blood-suspending. We'd entered our home, only to discover that it was almost the same temperature in there, as it were outdoors. I wasn't that surprised that we were cold in the first place... all that time, and we were still dressed in our pajamas.

"Holy crap!" Videl exclaimed, rubbing her arms together. "Is the heat not working again? What is it **this** time?"

"..." I walked up behind her, and increased my ki 1,000 folds. I wrapped my arms around her tummy as passively as I could (but still enough to feel my passions), and held her against my chest to inflame her with my heat... bodily and emotionally. Inside this frigid vessel, to me, it was burning inside... it was just so hot... _everything_ relating to my feelings felt like it was increased 1,000 folds. Videl kind of looked to the floor, and covered my folded hands with hers on her stomach.

"You know..." she began, making a sly smile to match her words, "No matter how much I like this feeling, you can't possibly think to make love to me in your Mystic form, do you? You'll blow me out... literally. There's a limit to 'liking it rough,'" she chuckled a little. But... I didn't understand her humor; I only blinked.

"Well... this isn't exactly the Mystic form yet..." a reply escaped my mouth. I felt Videl's expression change... from a joyful to a surprised one. "It... would have to get a million times more greater than this... without exaggerations..." I uneasily said. "But no, I wasn't planning to... Videl..."

"I...I see..." she said to the floor, not saying much of anything afterward for a good ten seconds. Maybe I'd released too much... She then, changed her view and turned her body toward me. "I was just surprised, is all... Not even at your fullest power... and already, you could still destroy me so easily... as like an insignificant speck of dust. You... are truly amazing." And, she reached around to adhere to me. I wasn't so sure of that statement...

"... To **you,** it may seem that way, " I vocalized, timidly, putting a chin on her head of hair. "For me... it's no miracle... my power's almost a curse... I have to be incredibly careful not to destroy any and everything that I touch. Even in standard, everyday activities... I have to be as gentle... as light... and as careful as I can... But, even sometimes, that is still never enough, and I end up harming things that are the dearest to me." I said this next sentence while glimpsing down at her. "And, I don't want you being part of that list, Videl..." I were feeling the emptiness welling up inside of me again; but this is my normal reaction whenever thinking about this subject. This was likely not a pleasant sign that I had gotten used to this feeling... "Even in my 'normal' form, I'm like a walking demolisher. Sure, all that strength is good for _fighting_, but... there's always not going to be some huge adversary to beat. I'm going to spend the majority of my life as a normal individual, living outside of a life of being forced to fight." And, I looked up to the ceiling. "...If I had it my way, I would've rather been born a normal human, than to be cursed with this power." I scoffed, "Hah! 'What a waste of power,' people tell me. You could've been the strongest in the universe, you know.' 'How could you not want to fight? It's in your blood.'"

Videl crept her head up to eventually gaze up at me; a soft, piteous sigh evaded her lips. I continued on... "But they just don't understand...They're not me. I've already told them before... I don't like to fight... I'll fight when I'm left with no other ultimatum... but that's it. It's mostly because I don't like to cause conflict with people... I don't like to argue, I don't like to hurt... especially the innocents. Yet, what can I do? What else can I say to make them understand? Fighting is not my sole purpose for living... I'm looking for something greater than just strength. Is it so utterly wrong of me to have... other ways of becoming happy?"

"Of course not, Gohan," Videl replied to me. I didn't feel at ease at all though...

"And, don't merely say that because you are my fiancé," I said, holding a hand to my forehead.

"Heh... I'm not, don't worry, " she reassured me. "But... I think I see more clearly where your fear comes from. ...At least I can tell you that much." Hmm...

"So..." I started, "If you were in my situation, you would choose the normal life over the extensive amount of power...?"

"HELL no, are you crazy? To be the strongest in the universe, let alone, being a female! That would be just too kick-ass of an opportunity for me to pass up!" Ha ha ha... my Videl is too silly. I smiled out of the humor she brought. "Though... that opinion is solely my own," she continued, "I don't think you should worry yourself about what others think is best for you. You know yourself better than anyone else ever could."

"Except for you..." I'd spoken to her. "Sometimes you read my mind like an open book."

"Only because I'm hella smart," she announced, then dove into my arms for another hug. "Or, maybe I've just been around your crazy butt for so long."

"Heh...Not long enough though..." I replied. "Never..." My time with you will never be long enough... even when we're at our dying old age, I know I'll still be begging for an extra five minutes of your life here with me... Vast images from scenes of the past snaked into my mind then. Guh... stop it... don't think of such depressing things... this will only deter you more from what you two came here to do together... Get your psyche together, self.

Videl had been staring up at myself, as if she had known what'd been going through my head just then... I really need to learn how to make my facial expressions not so conspicuous. "Don't... talk about that... Gohan..." Videl had countered indeed, matching the words I were commanding to myself. "Let us go upstairs, okay? If you are still feeling your doubts, then we can still wait, all right? No pressure." And, she lightly nudged me. "So...?"

I felt a sigh be released from deep within the pit of my lungs. "I'll see how far I can get."

"Without **hiding **the fear– but confronting and getting through it, right...?"

"Yeah... I was getting pretty tired of my secret self, anyway..." She smiled... and opened a hand for me to hold. Videl offered me an encouraging air of hope in that one right arm... although at this point, it felt like even if I had all of her courage... it wouldn't have been enough to dissuade my subconscious mind into the mix.

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This... was not going to be easy. I knew it from the sound of things from the beginning. If I were already having these doubts, and we hadn't even begun to undress, how would I eventually feel when brought face-to-face with this terrible dread? I will trust Videl... I will attempt to trust my own self. But, if I continue hurting her this way... if it could never change, then I'll be content with being forever untouched. I've only wished for you happiness, Videl... but I don't know how happy sterile married couples could be.

"Ah, I forgot... the sheets are ready for the other bed," Videl announced. "I'll go get them. In the meantime, you can just... get ready for bed, okay?"

"Sure, Videl," I answered. The mirthful woman smiled a gleeful smile and headed in the basement to get the bedroom sheets. ..Leaving me with my thoughts to prison me until she got back. ...I should've went to help her... at least I would've been bothered by other things in that present situation, than to keep my brain busy with these delaying insecurities. Suddenly, I began hearing this weird classical music in my head... I was unsure of whether or not I had been conjuring it up, but... it was deathly calming. The notes danced up and down the scale in their own fashionable design, almost as if it were a symbol of my up and down struggles with my confidence, recently. Please, self, discontinue this courtship in nervous waters. Allow my heart to trust in what I know and accept those that I am unaware of... give me the courage to not lose control of my feelings...

Suddenly, I felt a weird surge of heat coming from all around me; it couldn't have just been me, could it? She sure was taking her time down there; or maybe it's just my patience ridiculing my psyche. Maybe Videl somehow found the problem with the heater... or, maybe I'm going berserk.

"Gohan... I'm back..." I heard a voice call behind me. "I've been calling you for a while, now. Were you in one of your dream lands again?" She began walking toward me with the covers in both hands.

"Yeah... sorry..." I emitted from my mouth. "Need some help with that?" I asked, turning to face her. As soon as I caught a glimpse of her in the parched moonlight, a wave of energy suddenly swept over me. What the... I saw nothing that resembled a shirt, or even a bra upon her shoulders where they once were placed beforehand. All that covered her form was a simple bed sheet and the soul that she protected the rest of her emotions with. This brings us to the present. "V-VIDEL!" a voice bursted out from within me. I immediately turned my body around and shouted, "P-put some clothes on, Videl! Why are you so suddenly like this!" More than a blush swept over my face as my mind tried to catch up its pace with my heart. It was a wonder that my parents couldn't hear my ranting from the next house over...

"Gohan..." the mystifying woman roused out to me. "Would you please turn around...?" A shock rose from my nerves. I most definitely wanted to, Videl... but...

"But..." I repeated the inner me. "But, I..." I couldn't go on... It was just impossible for me to find the words to respond to my setting. Videl was probably getting upset with my decision to not do as she said, and I don't blame her. Would I ever discover a way to act upon my feelings? Why... why do I always let my mind be the decision-maker in these seemingly automatic options? I thought I had accepted myself, after all.

This was almost as nerve wreaking and tiresome as those few seconds you endure before swallowing a large pill. Doing so was supposed to make you feel better, but at the same time, you're afraid you won't be able to sip it down correctly and would choke on it instead. But to get it just right in your mouth... letting your tongue be the sensor saying 'it's okay'... is the feeling that I'm having now. Except, unfortunately for me, I was afraid of swallowing my tongue as well. I think I spend too much time analogizing, and much less time putting them to any use.

Videl's arms unexpectedly captured my waist and she slowly pressed her body against my back. From sensing her heat, her soft mounds of flesh, and the way her curves outlined my posterior, my mind created an image of how she really would've looked if only I could've just turned around... "Gohan," she called, "Please understand..." she started, "I'm not doing this to make you even _more_ fearful. I just didn't believe you would've taken any initiative unless I made it clear that this was what I wanted..."

"Y-You...You are indeed, v-very direct, Videl," I shakily commented behind me.

"Gohan..." a sigh left her, "...Just **relax.**"

"Easy for you to say!" I replied in haste. My breathing became heavily doused with the pressure from my heart, "H-How am I supposed to calm down like this? I-I mean, n-no one has ever told me how to deal with this! I don't know what to do! I don't..." I felt her hands easily graze across my belly, "I don't know..." I wasn't yelling for the purpose of upsetting my fiancé; I was just incredibly angry with myself. Stop being so stupid, will you? Take her in your arms and release all this tension! Just go have sex with her, already! What the hell are you waiting for, idiot! Just fuck her, just fuck her, just fuck her; you know you want to. Isn't that the reason you're getting married to her? Weren't you just counting down the fucking days until your wedding date, next year! (No...) Aren't you happy that you now get this chance to break your promise? You didn't want to control your lusting any longer, so instead, you force Videl to sleep with you anyway, and now you act like this crybaby selfish bastard? (Shut-up!) What the hell do you want anyway? No one wants an indecisive fucker like you! Get out of your shell and just do it already! (Enough!)

"Gohan!" Videl snapped at me. "I'm seriously getting tired of the way you're acting! What the hell is the problem with you? Haven't we gone over this already?" She took her arms from around me, and stepped back three steps. "If you want to just wait, then, we can still wait, but if you want to continue, then act like you want to continue! Do you know what it feels like to constantly be denied?" I peeked around my shoulder a bit, just enough to see Videl's actions. "Seriously... " and she spoke more slowly now, "I've done everything I could to help you... you said you wanted to wait with me, so I waited; you said then that you couldn't hold it in, so I told you to let me help you deal with it; then you say that you want to have sex after all, and I offer myself to you, in the most direct fashion, and yet... nothing continues to work! What... am I supposed to do? Tell me, what is it that you want from me? Just speak the words and I'll gladly follow... but you need to know it yourself, Gohan." She stepped back a little further... "Figure it out for yourself... Because without you knowing it beforetime, I couldn't please you even if I wanted to."

While Videl was still talking, my cursed mind continued to blurt out words to me as well.

She continued, "Maybe you just need some time alone on this..." Maybe I just need some screwing time with you. "I can always go back to sleep in my room, so that you won't feel so pressured, Gohan..." I can always sneak into your room late at night and fuck you, too. "If you're still worried about hurting me while having sex, I told you that you'd just have to trust me... Just be gentle and careful... I'll tell you if and when it does, okay?" It will surely hurt, Videl... I will definitely see to that. (...I give up.)

"I... I don't..." I briskly replied. The anger with myself had reached it's boiling point. "I don't want to..."

"You... 'don't want to'...?" She asked, "You... don't want to trust me?" I balled two fists in both of my hands; so hard, I could've sworn that they were bleeding.

"I..." then I raised my voice, "I don't **want** to be gentle!" I roared at the top of my lungs, feverishly startling Videl. "I-I want to be able to show you everything I have! I want to be able to love you with all of my heart! It's impossible for me to make love to you with only a fraction of my power!" My ki rose to the point of even shaking the floor beneath us a little. No matter how hard I tried to suppress it... my anger... my rage... my helplessness... makes it so impossible. "Why can't I be free in my emotions? Why do I always have to be the 'careful' one? Why can't I make love to you like a normal man...!" I sat on the floor in my helplessness... self-pity is the other emotional trap I'd tried to be rid of since last night. I can't feel sorry for myself... I won't allow it. I held my forehead in my hands and sighed out of my emotional drain. My ki level went back to normal as I waited for a response, which I knew Videl had been conjuring up.

I heard Videl wrap the sheets around her a bit more as she silently watched my predicament. Her light footsteps eventually crept closer to where I was sitting, and soon, the new sunrise hid from behind her bosom. "Because..." Videl began speaking, "You are NOT a normal man." I took my hands from my head a portion. "**That's** why." I raised my head a little more to set my back straight once again.

"I don't want to be 'not normal'..." I remarked to the carpeted floor.

"That is 'a little impossibility' within itself. You cannot change who you are." She knelt down to be at my level. "Not even for a second." I sighed again... too damn bad. "I don't know why you are so dissatisfied with the way you are. I... I fell in love with you because of who you are. Don't focus on what you're not... be glad and appreciate what you have. It's a gift, Gohan... A gift from your parents, from your Saiyan race, from your heritage... you can't just want to throw all of that away, just for a silly session of sex that wouldn't even be half as significant."

"..." I didn't know what else to say... I was left completely speechless.

"At least... I applaud you for being so forward with me... for once, heh... Thanks for not lying about how you felt... and thanks for not bottling it up."

"But, you kind of already knew parts of that..." I replied, as a matter of factly.

"Well, I... didn't know how angry you were about it... I thought you were angry at yourself because you couldn't hold it in, not because you didn't want to..."

I chuckled a little. "There's barely a difference..."

"It's enough of a difference for me," she said back. She turned me around to face her. "Look..." and she opened the sheets that covered her torso... revealing another outfit underneath it.

I laughed at the stupidness of it all. "I'm such an idiot, Videl! Hahaha!"

"Heheh... it's okay..." she said, and covered her shoulders back up. "So... what is it that you want...? From me... from this relationship...?" I ceased my smiling face and thought hard about this for a minute. "Oh, and..."my fiancé reminded me, "Don't think about it **too** much. You tend to over think and pick apart everything to the point of making meanings seem meaningless."

"You're right..." I responded. I lent over and gave her a... 'gentle' hug. "Can I say sorry now?"

"Hm..." She smirked, and gave me a receiving hug back. "If it will make you feel better." My eyebrows came up together in an arch...

"I'm... really sorry... for putting you through this, Videl."

"Hm..." she said again, "I don't accept your apology."Uhh...

"...Say what?" I asked, still hugging her. Although this was an awkward moment to be hugging...

"I'll only accept it..." and she pulled back from my hold a little, "...if you make out with me today." My eyes widened. "Then I will forgive you. Right here; right now."

I beamed a smile, trying to keep it in as much as I could, but it ultimately stretched out into a huge grin. "I think I've decided on what I want, Videl..." Her ears almost seemed to literally perk up as she heard my words. "I want... to wait again. I want to learn to deal with my power during these situations so that I'll know exactly what to do at that given time... I want to give our relationship, and our first time together... significance." She couldn't help but to share the same dopey grin as I had.

"Okay," she simply said running a few fingers through her hair. "Can't say I'm not a little disappointed though. ...I wanted to make out with you."

"We can still make out..." I answered. "And stop that pouty face."

"Booooo... I don't wanna wait another year," she pouted some more.

"Too bad, you already agreed..." This made the woman in front of me fake a whine, while tugging at my pajama's collar.

"Hey..." Videl said, breaking out of her 'depression,' "Can I at least see you naked today then?"

"Maybe tomorrow... I'm too sleepy for all that excitement now... didn't get an ounce of rest last night you know..."

"Promise me for later tonight then?"

"Um... you really want to see it that badly, don't you?" I teased her. I didn't expect her next answer though...

"Of course I do! I wanted to see you naked ever since we got together!" I bursted out in laughter once again. "Or, maybe it was even before then, hehe..."

"Pervert!" exclaimed this worn out half-Saiyan. "I take back what I said earlier... you are no angel! You devil woman! You evil, evil, conniving, sex-crazed, devilish, devily woman! Hahahaha!" I let my joyfulness linger on a bit to ease this once tense situation. It felt as it all of the world were in my hands. Even only about an hour ago... when I thought I was so ready for this ordeal, I only lucklessly discovered the opposite. With these new thoughts in my mind... how I was going to wait; what I was going to do with my power... I couldn't help but to be slightly perplexed. I sighed out another gust of air. "...I... have to figure out how to get used to this... I don't know how I'm supposed to learn to balance my passion with my compassion..."

"That's what I'm here for," Videl gave me a quick answer. "We'll take things one step at a time, rather than all at once like we attempted to do today... and what'd probably happen on our wedding night."

"Yes..." I complied with her, and flashed another grin. "We start tomorrow on our journey... but one step at a time, as you said– with little microscopic baby steps. We have a whole year to stretch out this period of 'practice,' after all."

"Hmm... a whole year, huh?" Videl replied, placing an arm around my neck.

"It will go by fast, I'm sure." I at least wanted to sound a little reasonable before this night was through. Videl was silent for a moment to think.

She blurted out, "So... can we elope...?"

"Absolutely **not! **Hahaha!" I leaned my head back against the bed and relished in my blitheness some more. My Videl... I could write an entire novel on what she meant to me– also, on this worry, this passion, this playfulness, these hellish thoughts, this power, these enigmatic actions, this lust and this love, all in the same story.

"I think I'm going to bed, Gohan. You should too. It's damn near 7am." Videl would play the lead of course, and I, the narrator. The one cursed to belie the story to everyone; the one who was forced to tell the truth in order to get an honest reaction from the audience.

"I'm going, also..." I spoke, "Are we still sleeping together, or would that mess up our practicing?"

"I'll sleep with you if you want me to."

"Then, that is a 'yes,' " I replied. One would think that forcing yourself to wait for another is just ridiculous... especially to the point of where I brought this to. But, I'm not just waiting for her anymore... I'm waiting for me. My brain had to catch up with my heart's set course of planned actions. This sex before or after marriage thing will only bring you as much significance as you put into it. The amount of time spent with or without sex doesn't make your relationship any more significant. It's the time... the energy... the passion, and the work that you put into building that relationship and purely loving that person for who they are... that is what beings relationships significance. ...I know that now.

So, what if you've waited ten years before having sex? Or maybe you've waited only five years, or one year, or even two months. Sex does not define a romantic relationship... I don't want to marry to look forward to sex... I want to marry Videl because I love her with all of my heart, my soul and my being. Making love is a wonderful, extra pleasure that two people can share... but it is not a necessity. It's an activity to do together, like all others. I'm not afraid of waiting. I'm not afraid of losing the virgin race with a bunch of hormones. What I'm most afraid of is never speaking to Videl again... never seeing her, touching her, tasting her, or listening to her. She is what makes my world a valid place to live in. She is what brings the joy to my life. You want to know what brings me significance--? ...Listening to her gentle breathing at night while she's falling asleep. She brings my horrid, crazy, wondrous, atypical, cautious, gentle, awkward, special, troubling, tension-filled, joyous, unpredictable, pretentious, stressful, fulfilling, and loving life... A whole new meaning.

As we lied on the mattress together, in that dusk to dawn transition, I could only imagine what this new day had in store for us. What new transitions did our fate have in mind? What would become of our still-blossoming, romantic red rose? These questions... Having an overactive mind, such as myself, is very difficult to sleep at times; all you do is stay up to think of new ideas, solutions, questions and theories, along with whatever completely random topic your subconscious decides to throw in, also. But, somehow, it seemed that knowing the answers to them really didn't matter much... because I knew whatever trials destiny threw at us, I could still find my inner peace just knowing that Videl would be by my side, cheering me on without a doubt in mind. It's okay to not know your future.

Anticipation... a bitter enemy of mine... but also the cause and center of my excitement. ...I can hardly wait until forever grants me my wish.


End file.
